Tired of feeling small?

BLAZE YOUR OWN TRAIL!

Hello there! I hope this week finds you thinking about grabbing your life and living it for you. I'm drinking chai this morning and thinking about my Mom and her extremely adventurous spirit.

Today marks the 14th anniversary of my mother's death. I can't believe it's been so long and yet it manages to feel so fresh sometimes. Now I could go into the many ways that she was a fantastic human (she made me, after all!), but the thing that sticks out to me today was her extremely adventurous spirit and her desire to live and enjoy her life.

My Mom was shy. She didn't like being the centre of attention and public speaking was up there on her list with being boiled in oil. Zero interest! She was also from a small Welsh town where you kind of went along with the plan of marriage, kids and then work until you retire and hang out with your grandkids.

BUT! At her heart she was someone who wanted to explore, to learn and to live a big life. She decided we should make a change and so we packed up and moved to Canada in 1990. She felt right at home near the rocky mountains (nothing like a small Welsh woman rocking a cowboy hat)! And even though leaving everything we had known was very hard, she felt in her bones that there was more out there and she wanted to find it.

She stretched her comfort zones and expanded in ways I don't think she imagined. She used to drag my terrified father on any and every roller coaster she could find. She took half days from work to go and watch vampire movie marathons with my younger brother. She came to Vancouver and took me on a whale watching tour where she screamed "YES" every time an orca popped up. She loved road trips, the rodeo and Motown. And we weren't allowed to be near the ocean without sticking our feet in it (I still do this every time I get near the water). On her last birthday, she again dragged my terrified father onto a helicopter where they flew into the Grand Canyon. 

None of this stuff was necessarily easy for her because she was still a shy Welsh girl who had been told many times to stay in her lane. But she wanted to live her life on her terms. And I think she did. She was continuing to grow and step outside of her comfort zone and I can only imagine what she would have done (and how many more times she would have freaked my Dad out) if she was still here. Inside this shy woman was the soul of a lion.

Her death was unexpected and I think if there was a silver lining to be found it's that she wasn't waiting to do the things she wanted to do. She was grabbing life where she could and the spark that came with it was palpable. If she had waited for the perfect time or for retirement, it never would have come.

She was allowed to break the rules that were laid out for her and I'm so glad she did. I feel like it's given me permission to do the same. To live my life and love my body and go for the things I want, even when it's not what I'm "supposed" to do.

So in honor of my Mom today, think of something you really want to do but have been holding back from. And then go for it! Stop waiting for the perfect time because your life is happening now and you deserve to live it. Step off the beaten path and blaze your own trail! I promise she will be there cheering you on. And so will I.

As always, I'd love to hear about it! What is your soul aching for and how can you move towards it? How do you remind yourself that you are worthy of expanding and living your dreams, even when it goes against the grain? Let me know in the comments below.

As you move through this week, remember to treat yourself and your body with love, respect and kindness.

Much love,
Helen xo

You Can't Go Back

LET YOURSELF EVOLVE

Hello there! I hope this week finds you reminding yourself that you are always evolving. I'm drinking a matcha latte this morning and thinking about how I used to ache to be my younger, thinner self.

I was just listening to this episode of The Ten Percent Happier podcast, and the guest was sharing how she used to be a marathon runner and has since struggled with lyme disease, chronic fatigue and has also had a baby. Her life has shifted in huge ways and sometimes she laments the person who used to run every day, without fail. The host talked about wishing he was in the same kind of shape he was in twenty years ago, and this made me think about how my Dad often tells me he wants to get back to the weight he was over thirty years ago. THIRTY. YEEEEEARS!

I am not immune to this longing. I spent years wishing and scrambling to get back to the body I had in my early twenties. I sometimes lament how I was more social back then. I used to go out most nights dancing, to the pub or to watch live theatre. I even pop on those rose colored glasses and miss the very bad dates and hungover mornings. It can be nice to look back, but not if it's making you reject the person you are now.

Because no matter how much time you spend looking over your shoulder, you are inevitably moving forward. You are different today than you were yesterday, let alone ten, twenty or thirty years ago. Yes, you can examine the qualities you admired in yourself (last week's newsletter was all about that), but how those qualities will show up today is likely very different. And that's a good thing. Because guess what? You've grown! You know more, you've experienced things and you've lived your life for more years on this planet.

When I miss being thinner and younger, I ultimately miss feeling like people were pleased with me (damn the patriarchy!) and like my entire life was ahead of me. My Dad misses being someone who went jogging over the mountain behind our house every night after work. He misses the discipline, the challenge and the bragging rights. Totally fair! 

I think rather than judging who we are now, the question we can ask is "how can I invite that feeling in now?", "What would that look like at this stage of my life?", and more importantly "do I actually want that thing now?". I know for a fact that I don't want to be insane about food and exercise. I also love staying in and being cozy at home. I've changed and that's a good thing. And I resent that I still want people to be pleased with me sometimes, so I'm working on giving less shits, to be honest. And when I look at things that way, I like who I am and who I'm working on becoming.

We are all evolving. So what do you want to evolve into? Look forward, ask yourself how you want to feel and what you want to experience at this stage of your life. If you are reading this, then you are alive and it is not too late to change if that's what you want. You cannot go back. So move forward with an open heart and see where that takes you.

As always, I'd love to hear about it! Do you ever lament who you were many years ago and does it affect how you see yourself now? What are you looking forward to and how have you evolved already? What are you celebrating about this phase of your life? Respond in the comments and let me know.

As you move through this week, remember to treat yourself and your body with love, respect and kindness.

Much love,
Helen xo

What Are You Reclaiming?

CALL IN YOUR WILDEST PARTS

Hello there! I hope this week finds you reminding yourself that you have the power to change. I'm drinking Irish Breakfast tea this morning and thinking about reclaiming my body and my life.

Do you ever find yourself thinking back to when you were younger and missing certain parts of yourself? For me, it's all the way back to when I was a kid who was absolutely fearless. I loved moving my body, going outside and zipping around on my bike or my roller skates without a helmet (oh, the unsafe eighties).

I can still feel the wind on my face as I whipped down hills and pushed my body to the limit in the name of fun and freedom.

And while I recognize that part of being a kid is a joyful lack of fear and mortality, I also know that some of those parts of me were taken with every shitty comment and side eye as my body got bigger. Every disappointed family member or nasty classmate joke sent me further into myself and away from the things that made me happy.

Those moments hurt me deeply and as a child, I didn't know how to stick up for myself or let those things roll off my back. Even as an adult, I spent many years doing things that were basically one big apology for existing in my body.

BUT!

As time passed and the direction of my life changed, I discovered the joy of calling my younger self back and reclaiming what was missing. These days, I am reclaiming pleasure in movement and exploring what it means to love my body and all it does for me. I am reclaiming bathing suits and getting in the water. I am reclaiming my joy for life and my passion for the outdoors. I am reclaiming (pause for nervous throat clearing) fearlessness.

And of course this looks different than it did thirty years ago, but it's so much fun to ask myself what I want now and to give myself a resounding YES to the things my heart desires. 

Now it's your turn!

What parts of yourself are you missing? This might be from childhood, your teens, your twenties or beyond. What are you ready to reclaim in the name of your happiness and your growth? They are right there. So don't be shy. Grab them and reclaim your right to live a life of unapologetic joy. 

As always, I'd love to hear about it! What parts of you are you reclaiming and why are they important to you? How does it feel to call yourself back to a time and place when you felt most free? Respond in the comments below and let me know.

As you move through this week, remember to treat yourself and your body with love, respect and kindness.

Much love,
Helen xo

your body is your home

YOU DESERVE TO FEEL GOOD IN IT

Hello there! I hope this week finds you taking some time to connect with yourself and your body in a way that feels good to you. I'm drinking Rose Black tea this morning and thinking about what it means to be at home in my body.

I was making a smoothie this morning and part way through grabbing the ingredients and tossing them into the blender, a bag of chips caught my eye (hello delicious salty breakfast) and I went "mmmmmm...I'll have those". So I stood there snacking while the blender did its thing. And as I was tossing the bag back up on the fridge, it struck me how easeful the moment was. I had a craving, I grabbed a handful and then I got back to what I was doing. If you have ever struggled with dieting and disordered eating, you know why this is a big deal.

Not too many years ago, this moment would have been entirely different. Fraught with "I shouldn't. I don't need those. I'm already making a smoothie and it's what I'm supposed to have. Why did I even let chips in the house? I need to put them in the trash..." and on and on.

My mind was never peaceful, especially where food and my body were involved. My inner monologue was a relentless reminder that I was failing and my body had to be different. And honestly, I was used to that. That was the norm. Apologizing for my body and repeatedly trying to "fix" it were a huge part of my life and I never really expected that to change.

Until it did. :)

I'd love to tell you that I made the bold decision to love myself as is, but honestly I was just tired and sort of half heartedly scouting around for a diet that would be less mean to me. When I realized that all diets are assholes and it was time to break up, that was hard too. So much so that when I made the decision to let go and be in this body, as it is now, I felt unmoored and totally freaked out.

But over time and with lots of work and self love practices, things started to change. I didn't have clammy hands as I walked around the candy aisle at Shoppers, I didn't feel sad when my belly would get in the way in yoga, I didn't mind if you could see my actual shape under my clothes and I started to feel more like myself. I was living for me and not for a version of me that didn't even exist yet. It's freeing and I'm emotional just thinking about it.

The road to being at home in my body is a long and winding one and far more complicated than I can outline in this newsletter. But I will tell you that if you are struggling in your body, you are not alone. Your body is not the problem. Your body is your home and you deserve to be happy in it. You are the one who has to live in it, after all. You deserve to look around at all the unique things that make it all yours and say "yeah. it's not perfect and it doesn't need to be. I'm happy here."

And that is out there for you. If you are on the conveyor belt of diets and self hate, invite yourself to step off. Let go of the things that make you feel like you are not enough and move in the direction of things that light you up. The more you add in (new hobbies, hanging with awesome friends, exploring fat positive social media, trying foods you're excited about, cooking a new recipe, taking a trip, reading all the good books, exploring body positive practices and uplifting movement), the less room you will have for diet culture garbage and that's a very good thing. :)

And if you want some help along the way, I'm here! My awesome friend Sus and I are back with our Homebody series this Fall. These monthly workshops aim to support you in feeling at home in your body so that you can live your life more freely and expansively. Check out the details HERE.

As you move through this week, remember to treat yourself and your body with love, respect and kindness.

Much love,
Helen xo

take a cue from the kids in your life

PLAY!

Hello there! I hope this week finds you heading into August with a spring in your step and a plan for a few personal (read: beach) days! I'm sipping Buckingham Palace Tea this morning and thinking about how a sense of play can change everything.

As we come to the end of our Summer Full Bodied Yoga series (thank you to everyone who came out!), we have been exploring the idea of play and how it can not only liven up our practice, it can also free us up to take risks and flirt with curiosity.

Being playful is pretty easy for me. I grew up in a very fun and silly household and I love to make jokes and find the lightness in things. I'm annoyingly into birthdays, holidays and any excuse to celebrate or send a card. I've definitely encountered my share of pushback from people and even had moments where I thought I should "grow up" and be more serious. But honestly, life is serious enough. I'm good with celebrating and enjoying every moment I can.

I'm also learning how to employ play when I'm pushing myself out of my comfort zone and exploring things that are new and/or challenging.

In our Summer series, the focus has been on what it looks like to embrace this season. And while this is unique to everyone, for me it has been a journey of finding ways to embrace the heat, bringing myself back to the water, wearing fun and light things that don't have me melting, and taking down time before things get busy in the Fall.

One of the big ways I found myself embracing Summer last year was going to my local outdoor pool at least once a week. I would sit on my beautiful beach towel and then bobble around (honestly, bobble is the best way to describe it) in the water. As soon as I let go of the idea that I needed to look a certain way or that I should show up to do laps, it became about the simple act of enjoying the water and the sunshine. I allowed myself to play and I felt so free.

Playfulness is often associated with childishness, but I disagree. You can be incredibly (and very adultly!) serious about something while still inviting play as a way to keep things fresh and creative without overthinking the outcome or possibly even talking yourself out of something.

Being playful can help you through a difficult yoga class or when you're trying to master a pose. Being playful can help when you are planning a trip or getting ready for a first date. It can be there when you are exploring going back to school or changing careers. It can be there when you want to take on an art project or a hobby. It focuses on experience over outcome and really invites us to be in the present moment, which ultimately means we are experiencing our life as it happens. Win!

So let yourself play. Especially if you're holding back on exploring the things that might make you very happy. Be a kid and enjoy the moment.

As you move through this week, remember to treat yourself and your body with love, respect and kindness.

Much love,
Helen xo

That's one bold spreadsheet!

SAID NO ONE EVER

Hello there! I hope this week finds you taking up space in places you used to shrink yourself. I'm sipping Scottish Breakfast Tea this morning and thinking about what it means to be bold.

I don't consider myself a particularly bold person. When I was a kid, maybe. But now I'm more cautious and I love a plan, or better yet, a colour-coded spreadsheet with said plan on it! I used to get down on myself for this and I still do sometimes. I felt like it was a failing on my part, that I was the embodiment of an un-fun person.

But what I have come to understand is that this structure is simply what I need in order to take bold steps in my life.

A few weeks ago I talked about feeling confronted and the questions we can ask ourselves when difficult feelings arise. For me, an almost inevitable part of embodying boldness is a pattern of fear, confrontation, self talk, planning (heck yeah a spreadsheet!) and then I move forward. These are the foundations I need so that I can feel a sense of safety as I make the bold move and feel confident in it.

From the outside looking in (especially in the days of social media), we can sometimes get the sense that to be bold, you just go for it. You don't think, you do. You believe in yourself enough to take the leap, consequences be damned! And while I love the excitement and drama of this narrative, it's not mine and I don't think it's most other people's either.

I wanted to try surfing so I took a lesson, cooking and baking generally require a specific recipe I can follow before I slowly start to wander with my ingredients list, exploring clothes that didn't hide my entire body meant wearing them around the house first, teaching yoga required training well beyond the minimum requirement followed by planning my classes to such a specific degree that I wouldn't allow myself to deviate.

Over time, I gain confidence and don't need to do things in the same way. These days I'll happily roll onto (and usually directly off) a surf board, cooking feels less frantic, I'm happy wearing clothes that I love and don't hide me, and I could drop and teach a yoga class this second if you needed me to. But in order for that confidence to land, I needed to create a safe container where I could try and possibly fail. It's not flashy, but it works for me.

Yes, I've caught myself using my planning to a degree that hampers my progress but I think the biggest shift for me has come over the past year where I stopped telling myself that I needed to be someone different. Someone who leaps without looking and does it gloriously well. Once I accepted that this is who I am and I don't need to apologize for it, things started to move forward and I used my little containers to carry me.

You can be bold. You just need to do it in a way that makes you feel good. That might be simply going for it or it might be a pro con list that dovetails into a nice spreadsheet. That's up to you!

Be your absolute lovely self and see what happens. To me, that is the boldest thing of all.

As you move through this week, be bold and remember to treat yourself and your body with love, respect and kindness.

Much love,
Helen xo

Is there such a thing as too much pleasure?

NO. NO THERE ISN’T

Hello there! I hope this week finds you watching The Great British Bake Off and crying...or is that just me? I'm sipping Earl Grey Tea this morning and thinking about pleasure.

Last week I talked about confrontation and what it might mean for us when it shows up. This resonated with many of you and I really appreciated your comments and emails. These things are not easy, but I think that they are made less scary when we realize that we are not alone.

This week, I'm swinging over to the other side of the spectrum and exploring the idea of pleasure in my own life and as my theme in class. I recently went to my first in person yoga class in two years. It was emotional to be back in a room with people (some of them former students) and it was also confronting. I know, I know! I promised you pleasure, and we are getting there :) As is often the case, I was the biggest bodied person in the room and since some people recognized me as a teacher, and honestly sometimes just because I'm big, I feel the need to do more, to push harder and to prove a point and drop kick possible assumptions across the room.

However! I didn't sign up for that. I signed up because I wanted the experience. Because I've missed seeing people. Because it gives me great pleasure (there it is!) to be moving and breathing collectively. So knowing all of that and the fact that I would possibly find my ego rising up, I made my intention one of pleasure. To remind myself that I signed up to move and breathe in a way that feels good to me. Not to prove anything to anyone, not even myself. And every time I felt myself wavering or getting judgemental, I came right back to pleasure.

In this society we often feel like pleasure has to be earned. That we have to achieve something before we can experience pleasure. But I really want to find more pleasure in the process. In the day to day. To invite pleasure into those moments where I know I might get caught up in other feelings. If your goal in yoga is to do a handstand, why not find pleasure along the way? In the wobbles and the tumbles and the days where you primarily lie down on the mat. If you're chasing a dream, find pleasure in the chase. This is living. Why delay pleasure when the possibilities for it are all around you?

And specifically to my friends out there struggling in their bodies, remember that pleasure is not reserved for those with "perfect" bodies. This is called marketing. How else would the diet and wellness industry make so much damn money? Pleasure is a feeling, not an aesthetic. It comes from within and resides in your body. You are allowed to feel it in this moment, in this body, in this breath. So take it!

As you move through this week, remember to treat yourself and your body with love, respect and kindness.

Much love,
Helen xo

Flight Risk?

YES, THAT WOULD BE ME

Hello there! I hope this week finds you being kind to yourself and exploring the possibility of a happy change in your life (oooh! now I'm so curious what you're thinking about!!!!). I'm sipping Scottish Breakfast Tea this morning and thinking about the power of confrontation (please send me a selfie of the uncomfortable face you're making right now).

In class this week, we have been exploring the idea that any worthwhile pursuit can come with discomfort or feelings of confrontation. And I'm just gonna put it out there right away: if I met you at a fork in the road and you said "to go this way, you'll need to pass through some type of emotionally confronting feeling to get to your destination or this other way where there are definitely fifty hungry alligators waiting"...I'd seriously consider the alligators.

My fight or flight response is strong and definitely leans into flight mode when I'm stressed, uncomfortable or feeling confronted. This is true in terms of confrontation with others, but today I'm pondering the sometimes huge internal confrontation I face when I'm about to step out of my comfort zone. This is nothing new for me. I remember panicking and bailing on sleepovers when I was a kid, I tried to cancel on my initial yoga teacher training because my foot hurt (lolll), I panicked and jumped right back into Weight Watchers when I started to see an expansive life beyond dieting, I think about quitting comedy altogether any time a show is looming. And as I mentioned in last week's newsletter, my Patreon (Fat + Happy) has been more than a year in the making because every time it started to come together I wanted to crawl into a hole. :)

All this is to say that it's normal to feel confronted by change, even if it's a change we desperately want. There's comfort in what we know and I am someone who loves my routine and my comfort zone.

So what do you do? If you're dreaming of change or have a specific goal or experience in mind, how do you manage when that confrontational feeling comes up? When all you want to do is hide under a bush or start lashing out? I have found that the best way out is through and so I am slowly learning to ask myself the following questions before I run screaming in the other direction (I'm listing them below incase you want to copy and paste into your own document or use them to journal):

- Why am I feeling this way?
- Why this fear?
- Where am I feeling this in my body?
- Is this change/goal/experience actually something I want or is it something I think I should want?
- How will this change improve my life?
- What's great about this and what excites me about it?
- Am I getting the sensation of excitement and panic, confused?
- How can I ground myself in this moment?
- How does it feel to know that I can step back at any time?

It's okay to pause and ask questions. It's even better to be incredibly kind to yourself while doing it. My instinct used to be to panic and then berate myself for it. But at the end of the day when we feel confronted and subsequently panic or get angry, it's just our body trying to give us a helping hand. It's trying to let us know we have strong feelings about this. And that's okay. So give yourself space to feel all the feelings before you throw the idea or goal or plan away. And when you're ready, take a few grounding breaths and ask yourself questions. Allow yourself the opportunity to get to the root of what's coming up and move forward from there.

This has been so helpful for me in understanding when something isn't actually right for me and when to let go, and then recognizing when there is something I really do want, but I'm scared.

Many worthwhile experiences in our lives are confronting and as much as I'd like to never feel afraid or stressed, I do find it all the sweeter when I manage to come through it and go for the thing I truly want anyway.

As you move through this week, be extra kind to yourself and remember to treat yourself and your body with love, respect and kindness.

Much love,
Helen xo

Monthly Content is Here!

FAT + HAPPY HAS ARRIVED :)

Hello there and happy July! I hope this week finds you asking yourself what you want to create, whether it's for an audience or just for you. Your form of expression matters! I'm sipping Buckingham Palace tea this morning (you knew this fave would make it back into the rotation) and thinking about how this post has been a long time in the making. :)

I have wanted to create online content for a while. I didn't exactly know what it was going to be, but I had some fun ideas. And just like with anything creative, I start from a place of excitement and expansion inside my body. I get that buzzing little feeling when I'm in the flow of things and the possibilities seem endless and I'm thinking this is gonna be great!

And then time passes and I start to hear those little voices that tell me this has been done before. I don't have anything new to add. I don't have the discipline. I'll run out of ideas after two months. No one is interested. And on and on.

Damn those voices are a pain in the ass! I had them before I started this weekly newsletter, before I took my teacher training, before I went to acting school, when I asked myself if there was happiness to be found in a big body. Basically before I've done pretty much anything that mattered to me or pulled me out of my comfort zone, I've heard these voices, these insecurities.

But I've never been one to let myself be entirely pulled down by the voices that I know are ultimately coming from a place of fear. There's always been this spark inside me that says "this could work!" and I'm so so glad for that. I wouldn't be here, in month 7(!) of my weekly newsletter, connecting with you otherwise.

And I wouldn't be saying that FINALLY I am launching a Patreon called Fat + Happy!

Patreon is a monthly membership site where you support the creators you love and receive exclusive content in return.

I'll be offering yoga, audio meditation, adventure videos, roundup posts with what I'm loving, snail mail and more!

I am so grateful to the fat positive online creators in my life who remind me every day that life is there to be lived and that's not exclusive to people who look a certain way. I never thought my life would look this way and I'm thrilled to be living in the moment and excited for the future, without feeling like I have to be someone else. I want to share that excitement with you as I continue to walk this path of self acceptance in the pursuit of pleasure and joy.

If you want to spend a little more time in this world of living in your body and your life, in a way that CELEBRATES you, then click here and sign up for some Fat + Happy goodness!

As always, as you move through this week, remember to treat yourself and your body with love, respect and kindness.

Much love,
Helen xo

That's Such Great Advice!

I SHOULD PROBABLY TAKE IT

Hello there! I hope this week finds you floating down a river on a comfy tube and hanging out with the people that make you happy. I'm sipping Breakfast Tracks Tea this morning and thinking about how I might need to take my own advice once in a while. :)

In class this week, we have been talking about the idea of ease. What it means to find ease in your body, your practice, your day, your life. Things can still get tough or sticky or full-on awful but to me, finding ease is all about not making things harder than they need to be. Or simply accepting that there's an ebb and flow to what we feel, and thinking about how we can lean into that rather than struggle against it.

If you follow me on Instagram, then you may have seen me posting over the past few days about returning to my yoga practice in a way that feels good to me. As a yoga teacher, I always want to practice what I preach and somewhere along the way I put intense pressure on myself to have a daily practice. It had to be at least an hour. It had to be rigorous and I had to feel like I was getting stronger and more flexible. I think especially in a big body, I have historically felt extra pressure to prove my worth in this space.

Ummmmm....record scratch!

That's definitely not practicing what I preach, and if anything it was making me practice less. My classes are all about finding what feels good to you. Doing things in a way that allows freedom, space and longevity. By setting a pace that I ultimately couldn't keep up with, I took the joy out of a practice that I truly love and put standards on myself that I wouldn't hold anyone else to.

At the end of the day there is a rhythm to everything. Some days we feel energetic and driven and focused and some days we feel quiet and steady and solitary. And then there are the days where we feel the spectrum of feelings. All of these are beautiful and valid. And they deserve to be honoured. If we only recognize the days when we feel energetic and driven and our bodies feel good and strong, then we are denying or worse, feeling shameful about those other days.

So I'm slowing down and asking myself each day what I need and what might feel good. It's not always comfortable to be honest about what I need, but it has definitely brought with it a sense of ease that I've been looking for and talking about in my classes. There's no right way to do something. Your needs may change over time or depending on what's going on around you. It's all about what you need day to day, moment to moment and that's okay. It's actually pretty magical when you explore the idea of working in harmony with yourself and your body.

And in the spirit of finding ease in your body and life (and because I teased you with it last week!), I'm very excited to announce that I am launching a Patreon! Fat + Happy is a space where I will share the things that help me feel good in my life and body and I hope they will help you too. I'm learning alongside you and I can't wait to share what I discover!

As always, as you move through your week, remember to treat yourself and your body with love, respect and kindness.

Much love,
Helen xo

To the beach!

UNLESS OF COURSE, YOU DON’T LIKE THE BEACH ;)

Hello there! I hope this week finds you celebrating the longer days and asking yourself what you want this Summer to feel like. I'm drinking blood orange black tea this morning and thinking about the importance of how things feel rather than how they look.

In my classes this week, we are talking about what it means to invite in abundance this Summer, specifically what it means for us individually and how it's okay for it to look different for each of us.

I've had a tricky relationship with Summer (historically my least favourite season) and as I've invited myself to explore why, I think it's that I thought it was supposed to look a certain way. That to enjoy Summer is to bask on the beach all day, frolic in the ocean and stay up late around a little fire on the beach. Oh, and there's definitely some dude playing a guitar somewhere on that beach.

Now, this might sound like a dream to you, but for someone crowd and heat averse who also likes to be in bed by 9:30 (yes, I am 83 years old at heart), this is not the Summer for me. And it doesn't need to be.

When I ask myself why I think that's the picture perfect Summer, I ultimately imagine it feels a certain way for the people experiencing it. Light and easy and relaxing. Whereas I am generally just trying to stay cool while counting down for sweater weather to return.

Here's the thing though, I don't want to wish my time away. I do actually want to enjoy all the seasons and spend my Summer feeling light and easy and relaxed. So instead of trying to force the idea of a light, easy and relaxed Summer I started asking myself how might I actually make that happen? What does that look like for me? Now, I do like to frolic in the water, so last Summer I started going to the outdoor pool in the mornings. It's not too hot and not too busy, except with other grandma-minded people like myself and my lovely friends who came with me. I also love getting out for morning or evening strolls and enjoying the longer days. In the heat of the day, ease for me is relaxing with a book and a cold drink (or a hot tea because...I'm me) and honestly just doing a little less. And that's okay.

It's not particularly flashy or insta worthy, but honestly last Summer was one of the nicest I've had in years. I wasn't wishing it away. I let go of what I thought it should be and asked myself what I needed it to be.

You can apply this to anything really, but if you have struggled with Summer like I have, then ask yourself how you want to feel this Summer. What evokes those feelings or that feeling for you? Can you invite more of it in?

You are allowed to do it the way you want to do it (even you, guitar dude!). So cultivate it and allow yourself to enjoy your unique expression of the season.

As you move through this week, remember to treat yourself and your body with love, respect and kindness.

Much love,
Helen xo

Fat + Happy?

HELL YES!

Hello there and happy Tuesday! I hope this week finds you stocking up on sunscreen and air conditioners before it gets too toasty out there. I'm sipping Earl Grey tea this morning and thinking about how I never knew I could be fat AND happy. What a time!

If you have grown up in this society (especially if you identify as a woman), then you know what it is to be objectified and judged at every turn. We can't get it right and they don't want us to get it right (we know that "they" is the patriarchy, right?).

Add to this being in a big body, then you have really let everyone (old white dudes) down. You are constantly reminded and receiving messages that your body is a failure and your life is doomed to be a sad and unhappy one. That your value is connected to what your body looks like.

I remember as a teen telling my Mom that I sometimes felt happier asleep because I would dream that I was in a smaller body. Gah, I wish I could squeeze teen Helen. Fast forward to my early twenties where I had lost a bunch of weight. Was I flattered and pleased by the general response? Yes, it felt amazing! Was I any more at home in my body? Absolutely not. Was I happy in my body? Nope. I was in a state of anxiety and control. A constant fear that people would see my weight fluctuate and judge me for being weak. I wasn't myself.

And while I fully believe that we are not defined by our bodies, we can definitely be in a state where we are living to control them in the name of making other people comfortable.

So the question is, can you be happy in your body as it is today, regardless of your size? Abso-freaking-lutely you can! You can decide that what you need and want is the most important thing. You can remind yourself that all bodies are good bodies. You can let go of diet culture bullshit. You can let go of what you "should" do and run headlong towards what you want to do. You can wear the thing, take the class, eat the food, plan the trip, have the sex, write the book, start the business, audition for the part, go on the date, read the smut (you Torn Bodice fans know I had to take it there!) and on and on and on.

Your life is not defined by your body. You do not have to love your body to have a happy life. You can simply ask yourself what living means to you.

You don't need anyone's approval but your own. And the more you do this, the more you let go of the things and the people who tell you otherwise. The more you move towards daily pleasure and a bone deep happiness that can only come from within.

I have never felt this grounded and in the flow of the things that make me happy in my life. And young Helen only thought that was possible in a young skinny body or in her literal dreams. So happy to prove myself wrong on that one. ;)

So pause here. Breathe deep and ask yourself what living a full and happy life means TO YOU. Not what others think it should mean, but what it actually means for you in your soul. Sit quietly and wait for the answers. You deserve to know. And you deserve to live it.

In the pursuit of my full and happy life, I'm cooking up something very exciting that I'll be sharing soon. As my work has shifted and expanded, what I want to offer going forward is expanding too. I can't wait to share it with you!

Sending you so much love for the week ahead and as always, remember to treat yourself and your body with love, respect and kindness.

Much love,
Helen xo

it's okay to be scared

FOLLOW YOUR HEART

Hello there! I hope this week finds you allowing yourself to try the things that call to you, even if you're scared. I'm sipping Breakfast Tracks Tea this morning and thinking about all the things I love about yoga.

I was recently incredibly lucky to chat with Melissa Hala on her podcast about my experiences in the yoga world. And why I'm so happy I get to teach what I teach and share this practice that has meant so much to my well being.

Yoga really is the thing that started this journey of body acceptance for me and I'm so glad I followed my instinct to pursue it, even when it felt like I wasn't the right fit for certain people and spaces.

It was a joy to listen to this interview and remind myself of why this practice continues to mean so much to me.

So keeping the writing short and sweet today, I'd love for you to listen to the conversation HERE!

Don't forget that Summer classes are coming up and spaces are filling up, so jump in now!

As you move through this week, remember to treat yourself and your body with love, respect and kindness.

Much love,
Helen xo

Be A Wildflower!

LET YOURSELF GROW

Hello there! I hope this week finds you moving away from the things that don't make you happy and towards those that do. I'm sipping blood orange black tea this morning and thinking about this quote...

"Like wildflowers; You must allow yourself to grow in all the places people thought you never would." - E.V. Rogina

Bing bang boom! That little quote was sitting at the bottom of my full moon calendar this entire month and I only just noticed it, but boy did it ever land.

I have spent a lot of my life asking for permission. Permission to perform, permission to get a raise, permission to wear certain things, do certain things, take trainings, go places and on and on. Don't get me wrong, I've done a lot and I plan to do more. But there's always been this part of me that can't help but ask "is this okay?" every time I want to do something or try something.

I find this incredibly frustrating because I know who I am and I'm learning more about myself every day. I know that I'm capable and that I'm also allowed to try and fail and try again. So why am I looking around for other people's permission when the only permission I need is my own?

In my classes last week we were talking about what it means to reclaim your space. To take it up physically, mentally and emotionally. To allow yourself to be unapologetically BIG in every sense of the word. It struck me that I'm teaching this as I'm learning it. There's so much I want to do and try, but I'm hesitating. Afraid to misstep or fail or waste money or be judged. I think this is why I want someone else to say "It's okay. Go for it, Helen. Do the thing!". And while I'm lucky enough to have people in my life who will do that for me, I'm realizing more and more that I need to be the one that does that for me. I need to say "It's okay. Go for it, Helen. Do the thing!"

I initially thought the quote in this email was about proving yourself to other people, which may be true. But for me, the ultimate thing is to prove to myself that I'm still the wild child I once was. Fearless as I trotted down the unknown trails looking for adventure. I know she's in there and I want her to show up more, without waiting for permission.

It means more coming from me. I want to give myself permission to live the life I want. To surprise myself. To grow in those places I never thought I would.

Maybe you do too. What would it feel like to say "It's okay. Go for it. Do the thing!"?

As you move into June, remember to treat yourself and your body with love, respect and kindness.

Much love,
Helen xo

it's not you

IT’S ME. LOL, NO…IT’S FATPHOBIA

Hello there! I hope this week finds you looking ahead to Summer and exploring it in a way that feels good to you. I'm sipping strong black tea this morning and thinking about fat phobia and how knowledge is power.

Recently a student of mine sent me a link to a video where a fat yoga teacher described going for a drop in class at a yoga studio that was new to her. They initially discouraged her from taking a flow class and invited her to come back later for a beginner class. She explained that she was comfortable and wanted this class specifically. They then went on to point out that she's not the usual body type they see in these classes (yoga teacher or otherwise) and to check with the teacher before signing in. She basically had to fight to be allowed to pay for a public drop in. They were deeply uncomfortable with her presence and they let her know it.

So, there's a lot to unpack here. Not the least of which is that this is common and a big part of why big bodied people tend to steer clear of health and fitness spaces. This is also why we teachers have a responsibility to learn how to teach classes that are inclusive and welcoming. 

I mean, if we are all over fat people to get to the gym and the yoga studio then why are we chasing them right back out?! And the worst part is that the person in the big body often walks away from the situation covered in shame, when it is truly not about them. It's about the fear that if we see fat bodies out and about and living and doing the things that we are constantly telling them they can't do, then we have to question our own biases. We have to say to ourselves "am I fat phobic?". Totally uncomfortable but very necessary if you want to be an ally in this work.

When we live in a society that tells us that to be fat is some kind of moral failing, it would be weird if we didn't have a certain amount of fat phobia ingrained in there somewhere. Yes, even if you are fat. I know that I did and sometimes still do and I'm always surprised when it pops up and taps me on the shoulder. What I try not to do in a teaching situation is flap around and scare that person away, when I really need to take a moment and recognize that the thought is not mine, and then proceed with kindness. Understanding these thought patterns and how to change them is power. Not only for you, but it offers power to the person standing in front of you, who might have been waiting and expecting to be turned away or shamed. You are offering them the power of understanding that there are spaces in which they will be welcomed and included and their body is not a barrier to joy in movement. 

If you struggle with fat phobia and really don't know where to start, then I would say to follow more fat yogis, athletes, dancers, fashion bloggers and creators on social media. This is such a joyful way to confront your own biases and the more you see beautiful fat bodies in motion, the more normal it becomes and you begin to release those negative feelings or stereotypes. This is especially impactful if you are a fat person and you desperately want to come to terms with your own body and allow yourself to live fully in it.

And if you find yourself in a situation where someone doesn't want to take your money because they don't know how to respect all people, take your hard earned cash elsewhere. Know your worth and demand to be treated accordingly. 

All bodies are good bodies. Yes, yours. And mine.

There's no shame in wanting to exist fully and freely. I'm sorry if anyone has ever made you feel that way. It's not you. It’s fat phobia. And we can nip that shit in the bud, friends! When you see it, call it out. Especially if you are not fat. Call it out. Be an ally. 

My Summer classes go on sale tomorrow and I would be thrilled to see you there! We are going to explore the ways in which we can love up on ourselves this Summer (often one of the more challenging seasons when you live in a big body). I'm here for you and I want to inspire you to have the most pleasurable Summer ever!  

As you move through your week, be your own best ally and remember to treat yourself and your body with love, respect and kindness.

Much love,
Helen xo

Are We There Yet?

FIVE MORE MINUTES :)

Hello there! I hope this week finds you making space for yourself and the things that bring a sense of balance to your life. I'm sipping strong black tea this morning (all the way from London!) and thinking about time and patience...and I'm already irritated. :)

Last week I was getting ready to go out and I was suddenly hit with some really old thought patterns. I hated all my clothes. I hated my body in the clothes. I started to imagine myself being compared to all my beautiful friends and being found lacking. I imagined running into people who last saw me years ago when I was much smaller and what they might think of me now. Nothing like picking a fight with friends from your past who probably have more to worry about than what you look like fifteen years later. :)

These feelings are echoes of a different time in my life and it was really surprising to feel them surge with such force. My therapist pointed out that these things take more time than we think and we simply need to allow space for all the feelings as they come up. We also need to respect that it's normal for things to come in waves even years later. Yes, even when we are doing the work to move through it the patterns can show up and the emotions can still feel fresh. So wise. So annoying.

In a world that can't wait to sell us a quick fix, we are not wired for patience or even for grace within ourselves when we need more time. Time to process and move through something, time to work on a project or to achieve a goal, time to learn something or get to know someone. Time to ask ourselves what we want and to really listen for the answers. Time to just be.

It's uncomfortable to acknowledge that some things take as long as they need to. It's even more uncomfortable to be present for that reality. That's why there are so many ways in which we distract, delude or disassociate ourselves when things aren't moving along in the way we might like them to. We are much more complicated physically and emotionally than these overnight promises can ever truly address.

What might it be like to simply trust that you are doing the work you need to do, and to allow time to do the rest? To know that the waves will still come, but with less frequency and intensity. It takes as long as it takes. Be patient and kind with yourself. Let go of the quick fix and slow it all down. You are worth the time and energy of all your emotions, dreams, goals and experiences.

And as you move through your week, remember to treat yourself and your body with love, respect and kindness.

Much love,
Helen xo

I hope you like cheese!

BECAUSE I WANT YOU TO BE YOUR OWN BEST FRIEND ;)

Hello there! I hope this week finds you dusting off your Spring/Summer wardrobe. And if you find that your body has changed since last year, I hope you are allowing yourself the space and kindness to find some new things that make you feel lovely! I'm sipping Assam Tea this morning and thinking about the way we treat ourselves.

"Feed yourself like you would feed a friend". I heard this on the new season of Rebel Eaters Club last week and I can't stop thinking about it.

It's easy to be kind to the people we love, but if you are struggling in your relationship with yourself and/or your body, treating yourself with that same kindness can feel much more complicated. So much of the messaging that we receive day in and day out centres around the pursuit of perfection, agelessness, thinness and whiteness. It's exhausting being surrounded by the idea that you are not enough and you can't be enough unless you push and push and buy this or that. There is this sense of endless reaching, with no time to simply be. To sit with who you are and to know your value.

For so much of my life, I felt like my value was based on my appearance. I still have moments where I feel invisible and it sucks. However, those moments are fleeting and very human. Nothing like years ago when I was obsessed with how to be enough. I don't think I knew who I was, but I knew who people wanted me to be. And because it was so hard and required so much restriction for me to get remotely close to that, I lost sight of how to be kind to myself.

If you have been there or are there now, I know it can feel like there is no way to turn it around. But a fantastic place to start is to look to how you treat the people you love. How do you speak to them, hold space for them, feed them, love them? In those moments where you catch yourself being hard or cruel to yourself, take a step back and ask yourself how you would treat your best friend in the same situation. It can be jarring to realize how hard we are on ourselves sometimes. I have also found that the more you explore this, the easier it comes and eventually you won't need to step back any more. It'll be natural. This has been a practice over many years for me, so have patience. There's no rush. You're already on your way if you're reading this.

Here's what I want you to know. You are valuable and you deserve to live a full and happy life, exactly as you are. How much time might you free up if you let go of judging yourself by other people's ridiculous standards? What kind of amazing things could you do with that extra time? What would it feel like to sit with yourself every day and ask yourself who you are and what is wonderful about you? It might feel a bit cringey at first, but make that list like you were making it about a friend you love...and eventually it will be. I KNOOOOOW! So cheesy, but very helpful nonetheless.

Feed yourself like you would feed a friend. I promise it will make a difference!

As you move through this week, remember to treat yourself and your body with love, respect and kindness.

Much love,
Helen xo

Stepping off the beaten path

AND INTO YOUR POWER

Hello there! I hope this email finds you skipping through a field of tulips..unless you have allergies. I'm sipping Golden Milk this morning (it's not even tea!) and feeling very excited to answer a question sent in by one of my lovely readers!

The question is "How did you come to work for yourself and begin to create a life living on your own terms?"

First of all, this question makes me feel so much cooler than I am and it also feels like perfect timing! In class this week we've been talking about what it is we either want to claim or reclaim for ourselves. There's been a lot of discussion about claiming our own power, boundaries, careers and taking up space. And working for myself has become a part of that for me though I was very reluctant to do it, if I'm honest.

I never wanted to run my own business. For a long time, I wanted to be an actor, where people tell you whether or not you are allowed to be part of a project. And then as I moved into the world of yoga, I really wanted to teach at studios I loved and possibly do some admin and eventually become a part of the teacher training programs.

I'm a great worker bee and I'm happy to work hard and be a team player (this sounds like a classic job interview answer, lol). I also have a keen desire to get ahead and succeed. And in my experience, these two things don't necessarily go together. As hard of a worker as I am and as much as I have towed the line in my life, I was still consistently being told no. No to acting jobs or even to getting an agent. No to a raise at my day jobs. No to moving to another part of a company. No to teaching additional yoga classes, even when my current classes were at capacity. Though I did once get the great offer to teach more classes if I would take a lower rate for each one (that was a fun head scratcher). I felt like I was spinning in circles and never getting ahead.

It was all very frustrating, to say the least. And it really made me question my value. I mean, I've seen a ton of eighties movies where you work hard and climb to the top while Eye of the Tiger plays in the background, and I wanted my movie montage, dammit! But every time I reached, I felt like I was getting slapped down.

I hit a point where as cheesy as it might sound, I said "well, if everyone else is saying no to me, then I'll say yes to myself!". I already had a lovely student following (you know who you are and thank you, thank you, thank you!) and I had years of doing admin for other people, so I just took those skills and did it for myself. I started by renting space to teach and initially working part time on the side until eventually (it took a good few years) things built up and I could work just for me.

It's hard work and I still ponder a second job sometimes (turns out all those work from home ads where you're on your laptop for one minute a day and on your yacht for the rest of it are bullshit), but it does feel truly lovely to know that I'm doing something I really love and I've built it myself. I'm not politely asking someone to let me move ahead. I decide. I am living on my own terms and while it's not always easy, I am really proud of it.

I'm also incredibly proud of and inspired by the many many amazing women and femmes in my life who are doing the same. Working at jobs that have meaning for them, saying no to things that don't work for them, raising families in the way they want to, running their own businesses, creating work that will soon allow them to give up their day jobs and on and on. It's all incredibly cool and helps to carry me forward when I'm feeling low on eighties music montage energy.

So yeah! That's my answer. It's not flashy (sorry to break it to you about the yacht situation) but it feels incredibly satisfying to me and I think we all deserve to feel a sense of deep satisfaction every day. What that will look like for you is unique but I'd love to hear about it if you want to share.

As always, as you move through your week, remember to treat yourself and your body with love, respect and kindness.

Much love,
Helen xo

Celebrate your life

EVERY DAY OF THE WEEK!

Hello there! I hope this week finds you buying yourself flowers (or whatever equivalent brightens your day). I'm sipping Assam this morning and thinking about how many things I can celebrate in a day/week/year!

Last week was my birthday and I kid you not when I say that I got choked up on a walk while thinking about how lucky I am for all the lovely people in my life.

Unless you've been happily hiding under some sort of magical rock, you know that life is not easy. If the past few years have taught us anything, it's that you can't take anything for granted. Life can change in an instant and that's why it's important to enjoy the present moment in any way possible. Am I asking you to smile all day or put on fake happiness when you're not feeling it? Absolutely not. Though if you want to smile all day, be my guest and enjoy how people in your vicinity will become increasingly concerned.

Look, I know there are people out there who roll eyes at celebrating birthdays as an adult but honestly celebrating yourself, and others, is simply another more cake-fuelled way of having a gratitude list. I also don't think we need to wait for a birthday or anniversary to celebrate. Yes, the big things are important and fun to celebrate. But so are the small things. The everyday things that you might be taking for granted.

So, what might it look like to celebrate more? Honestly, my weird emotional sidewalk moment was a small celebration of the people in my life. One of my good friends always feels like her day is brighter when she stops for a "fancy coffee" on her way to work. Celebration. I like to walk out to an area by the water that my Mom really liked when she visited me here years ago. Celebration. Dance party with friends in person or over zoom. Celebration. A tattoo that you've been wanting for a long time. Celebration. Laughing with your kids and really taking in the moment. Celebration. Every time I make a delicious cup of tea that makes me do a shoulder shimmy. Celebration! Celebration! Celebration!

If you think about a small thing worth celebrating today, pause and be in that feeling. How can you celebrate that you are here in this moment? You matter. Your life matters and you deserve to celebrate in any way and as often as possible.

Life is short, friends. Don't convince yourself that you don't have time to acknowledge the good things.

Now please, go forth and do the thing that makes you happy. And I really hope you'll consider daily celebrations for at least this week and hopefully beyond.

As you move through this week and discover the ways to celebrate yourself and your life, remember to treat yourself and your body with love, respect and kindness.

Much love,
Helen xo

Want Something? Ask For It!

Hello there! I hope this finds you underneath a pile of half-eaten chocolate bunnies. I'm sipping Chai this morning and thinking about asking for what I want.

I just got home from a training session, the first with a brand new trainer. I became interested in strength training last year and, after wandering around aimlessly at the gym while dodging senior citizens lunging across the room, I decided to meet with someone who knows what they are doing. So that I too, might lunge with seniors.

This is the second trainer I've worked with recently and I've been really explicit that I'm not interested in weight loss. I simply want to build strength. The last trainer was very nice, but couldn't seem to get away from "the fat burning zone" and cardio. This is not uncommon when you are fat. People think you need to basically just start running and stop when you're thin. It's frustrating and it goes a long way in explaining why many people don't feel comfortable in a gym or fitness setting. They feel afraid to ask for what they want because the assumption is that if you knew what was best for you, you wouldn't be fat. The same goes for doctors offices, wellness environments and essentially living your life and navigating the general world. I call bullshit and I'm tired of towing the apologetic line.

Historically I wouldn't have specified my needs and just said "whatever you think is best". But when you begin walking the path of your own physical and mental wellbeing, an important part of that is figuring out what you want and then asking for it. Especially if that goes against the mainstream.

This is still not easy for me. My instinct is to go along to get along and I generally struggle to put myself first. However, one of the things I have learned as I embrace myself and my body is that there will often be pushback. So you have to be firm and clear about what you want and need, regardless of what the response might be.

This can range from small everyday things like deciding where you want to go for dinner (my stock answer used to be "whatever you want"), to big things like making sure you have health care providers who listen to you and support your unique wellbeing.

If this already comes naturally to you, that's amazing and I hope you keep it up! If like me you struggle in this area, take it one step at a time. Give yourself the space and time to ask yourself what you want and then you can convey it clearly. It might feel overwhelming or wrong at first, it might feel like you are making a bit deal out of nothing. But you are a big deal. And so are your wants and needs.

And if you find yourself with people who don't listen, especially if you're paying them, find someone else to take your money. This is why I'm now with trainer number two. It's not always easy or comfortable, but you matter. What you want and need matters and you are allowed to ask for it.

As you move through your week, remember to treat yourself and your body with love, respect and kindness.

Much love,
Helen xo