I hope this week finds you enjoying the Spring weather (I was out walking in a thunderstorm yesterday!) and finding more and more ways to invite pleasure into your life. I'm sipping Hibiscus Love tea this morning and thinking about finding pleasure in creativity.
Of all the ways I am exploring pleasure, I realize as I type this that finding pleasure in creativity is both the easiest and hardest for me. I have always been a creative person. I love movement and performance, writing and planning yoga classes. I love to watch other people be creative and to collaborate and get all of that creative energy flowing.
The challenge for me has been in overthinking. I struggle with simply allowing myself to explore and make mistakes along the way. I think that because for a long time, I lived in such a regimented way, it bled over into being creative or not being creative. I had to do it perfectly the first time. I had to succeed and make a career out of it. I had to be the best or there was no point. I also had a deadline in my mind. I really wanted to have a creative career and I felt like if I didn't hit that goal by 30, it was over.
It definitely wasn't, but I acted like it was and let a lot of the things I loved drop out of my life. I felt embarrassed to keep going when it clearly wasn't panning out. Ah, thirty year old Helen. You should have given yourself a break. But I didn't. I was punishing myself for not achieving what I had set out to do in the time I had set out to do it. It sucked the joy out of it, the pleasure.
Sound familiar? This might be resonating with you personally or you might have read the past two newsletters where the same sort of pressure around food and movement sucked the pleasure out of those things for me.
So how do we get it back? The spark, the joy, the pleasure, the sense of freedom and play? I think the simple and annoying answer is that you just allow yourself to do the thing without expectation. Simple, but not easy. And I'm still working on this.
I had stopped myself from performing, writing and playing and hoped that this would eliminate the desire for it. But if anything, it made it worse and I didn't feel quite like myself any more. So just like with movement and food, I started cautiously clawing it all back. I would sign up for beginners classes (not a beginner!) and work as admin for arts organizations so that I was orbiting my passions without taking the risk and inviting the joy of doing them. But it was still a start and the closer I got to those things, the more I yearned to be a part of them.
I've been doing comedy on and off for years, but over the past two years I have dedicated myself to more consistency, weekly rehearsals and playful performances without expectation for perfection. Just fun for us and the audience. I also started a podcast with my friend where we talk about the smutty books we love. I love recording and editing and again, there's no expectation beyond the doing of the thing and it feels so good.
A big one for me that I still struggle with is getting back to writing and performing what I write. I have been touching on it in the past few years, but I always run away when it starts to feel real and consistent, so it comes back to releasing expectations, which I find so very hard!!! Some part of me feels in a rush, like I have to make up for the time that I was in limbo and not allowing myself to do the things I wanted to do. But the more I focus on that, the more expectation I place on it and we go in circles again.
So I'm working on letting go and just exploring. It's not flashy, and that is just fine by me. The more I find myself leaning into these things, the more deeply satisfied I feel. Being creative is an important part of wellness for most people and it can look like so many things. Perhaps you like to play music, cook, plant flowers, play board games, draw, sew, dance or post about your travels on instagram. It's all valid and it's entirely yours. Allow yourself the space to explore without expectation and simply enjoy the moment. It's so simple and it can make such a huge difference in the quality of your life.
As you move through your week, I hope you remember to treat yourself, your passions and your dreams with love, respect and kindness.
Much love,
Helen xo
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Finding Pleasure in Food
Hello there and happy April! I hope this week finds you thinking about inviting more pleasure into your life. I'm sipping Buckingham Palace tea this morning (it's my current favourite!) and thinking about finding pleasure in food.
Food, glorious freaking food! What a joy you are. Whether it's going to a new restaurant, baking at length for a sense of comfort and calm over the past two years, learning new recipes, or running out for an ice cream cone (which I did yesterday), I love food.
This wasn't always the case.
Well, I always loved it but that is considered a problem when you are fat. Food becomes the enemy and you are considered weak and unhealthy if you can't control yourself around it. But let's be honest, if controlling yourself around food means eating way less than your body actually needs in a day (which is generally what dieting is based on), then health has gone out the window. We're purely focused on aesthetic at that point and don't let anyone trick you into believing otherwise.
I only became "out of control" around food when people told me to stop eating it. Before that, I was an active, happy kid who loved her food and didn't think too much about it.
At one point in my life, I pretty much ate nothing but steamed (steamed!!!!) chicken and vegetables. I was smaller than I've ever been as an adult but I still had some curve on me so, when I would go for my weekly weigh-ins it became clear that to lose any more, I would have to switch tactics. Hello liquid diet! I was miserable, but also weirdly elated that I seemed to have finally been able to wrestle my food cravings to the ground. Now all I had to do was hold on for dear life and hope they didn't come back.
They did. My body was taking control back and she wanted me to eat. Thank goodness for that. :)
If you can relate to anything I've said so far, then you know that this is far more complex than I could ever write in one post. This consumed decades of my life and it went back and forth on repeat until I broke the cycle. I decided to break up with diets and diet culture. This is hard for many reasons but one of the interesting ones for me is that: in some ways it was less exciting than the promise of a new weird diet that made an insane promise of how happy I would be! Stopping the cycle was more like a whisper. There was no plan to follow, no before picture to snap, no clearing out the cupboards and promising myself I would only eat kale for the foreseeable future. It wasn't manic. It was like quietly ending a relationship that had gone on too long and like any classic breakup, I went back a few times because it was familiar. Until one day, going back was no longer comfortable. I had drifted too far out and it was time to keep moving forward. Not flashy but definitely substantial and over time has been more life changing than any diet I have ever been on.
For me, reclaiming my passion for food was slow and cautious. I, like so many people, was afraid that if I was no longer on an extremely strict diet then I would go absolutely insane and eat everything in sight. I often think of this scene in the movie Chocolat as what I thought would happen. And while it was never quite like that, there was a time where I was a little bonkers for food. This is what happens when you unleash yourself. You go a little wild with the freedom of it and when you finally realize it's for good, you settle down. So be kind to yourself in the process.
Once the strangeness of it all had passed, I settled into a new relationship with food. One where I eat what I like and let go of what I don't. It's an ongoing journey where I'm learning to listen to my body and go with what it's asking for rather than fighting it every step of the way. I've learned how to cook! I used to be terrified of cooking, especially since most of the diets I went on were so much easier to follow if you had pre packaged foods where you could see the nutritional info on the package. Now I'm playing with my food, trying recipes, and freeing up so much space in my head for other things. I'm reconnecting to foods I loved in the past, and exploring new ones too. Food is emotional. It connects us to our past, our senses, our heritage, it offers comfort when we need it and pleasure when we want it. It's wonderful to share with the people we love and something that not everyone has easy access to, so it's also something not to take for granted. I'm so happy to have found ease with it after all these years.
Will this way of eating make me thin? Probably not. Is that the secret goal? Absolutely not. My mental health is so much better since I let that shit go.
I'm allowed to enjoy my food and you are too. It doesn't make you weak or bad. It makes you human. You need to eat to live and you're allowed to enjoy it as well. Don't be afraid to swim out to more interesting and uncharted waters.
Next week, I'll be talking about finding pleasure in creativity!
As you move through all of your feelings around food and pleasure and what that means to you, remember to treat yourself and your body with love, respect and kindness.
Much love,
Helen xo
Finding Pleasure in Movement
Hello there! I hope this week finds you looking ahead to April and browsing the chocolate egg aisle at the drug store. :) I'm sipping Buckingham Palace tea this morning and thinking about finding pleasure in movement.
I love moving my body! I have always loved it. When I was kid, you couldn't keep me inside. I was either out on my bike, my roller skates, playing soccer or hanging out of a tree. I loved swimming and dancing and being outside, and I always had the best time being with my friends and moving my body. Movement represented freedom to me.
I was incredibly active and I wasn't thin. This is normal. And who cares anyway? Apparently, a lot of people. Sigh.
As I got older, my weight became a source of pain and frustration. I remember getting kicked out of a dance troupe because I didn't look like everybody else (I'm a freaking great dancer, btw!). Then I wasn't getting picked for sports teams, and activity became a place where people would whisper and laugh at me (someone save me from swimming day at school!).
As I look back at my teen self, I realize that outside of the occasional bike ride, my activity took place in the basement to workout DVD's. I skipped gym class wherever possible because I didn't want to be seen and teased. I hated the workout DVD's but I had become so consumed with being thin that the physical activities I actually enjoyed had fallen by the wayside. Those were things I felt that I had to earn my way back to, rather than simply doing them because they gave me pleasure.
Fat people experiencing pleasure is threatening. It doesn't fit the narrative we've been saddled with and it forces us to question if our bodies are actually the problem. Spoiler! They aren't.
As I started to question the stories I'd been told about how my life could only look a certain way in this body, I also started to find my way back to me. I'm embracing who I am and what gives me pleasure. As far as movement goes, it's been a slow and gratifying progression. I started with yoga and then added in more dancing, both with friends and alone around the house. Then I progressed to getting outside for nature walks at my pace without any calorie burning goals. Before the pandemic, I started going to spin classes with my brother (so fun!) and I'm trying to fall in love with riding my bike again. And last year in a very big step for me, I challenged myself to go to the outdoor pool once a week in the Summer and it was magnificent! Hell yes I was nervous, but I love being in the water and I will no longer deny myself that pleasure! It was such a treat and I feel like my legs saw the sun for the first time in a long time.
This year, I'm working on my hiking game. I'm honestly still at the walking stage, but I have a goal to get out there on some beautiful hikes this Summer and to not be shy as I huff and puff my way up those inclines.
Less shame. More pleasure!
Next week, I'm going to continue this series and talk about food as pleasure!
As you move through your week and contemplate all the pleasures that are out there for the taking, remember to treat yourself and your body with love, respect and kindness.
Much love,
Helen xo
Let's Talk About Pleasure
Hello there and happy almost Spring! I hope this finds you planning a little getaway, whether it's a day trip, a hike or a weekend away. It's so nice to have something to look forward to, regardless of how big or small. I'm drinking Breakfast Tracks tea this morning and thinking about the many roads to pleasure.
I denied myself pleasure for a very long time. I wasn't by any means a miserable person, but I think I was just very cautious and hyper aware of people looking at me or judging me. I hid myself and prevented myself from participating in a lot of things because it wasn't worth the potential teasing. I was so deeply fearful of other people's opinions that even after I lost a bunch of weight in my twenties, I still found myself being incredibly restrained and looking to others for approval. I was so afraid to put a foot wrong or gain a pound back that I still wasn't living my life. So...the question becomes when? If I wasn't living it fat and I wasn't living it not fat, then what the hell was I doing?
Short answer? Living for other people's approval. Damn!
I think as womxn we are often taught that we are here to please others. To serve and to support and to look a certain way while doing it. We're not taught to ask for what we want, what pleases us and what makes us feel powerful. I would go as far as to say that we are taught to be afraid of our own pleasure.
But if you pause for a moment and think about the word pleasure, what does it bring up for you? When you think of the things that bring you pleasure, where do you feel that in your body? What are the sensations?
For me, it's expansive and warm and I feel softer and I notice I've been smiling as I typed out the above question. I'm also a Taurus and if you know anything about astrology, you know the bull loves pleasure and decadence...and so do I. :)
Over the next few weeks and many cups of tea (a daily pleasure), I'm going to share some of the ways that I am reclaiming pleasure and I hope something jumps out for you or kick starts your desire to move towards your own pleasure. There are many ways to get there and yours will be unique to you.
Next week, I'll be talking about reclaiming pleasure in movement. A big one for me. And if you're feeling ready to talk on a deeper level about pleasure, check out Homebody. We are kicking off our monthly series in April and it'll be four months of deep diving into pleasure. Whoop!
Until then, you might take some time to make a list of the things that bring you pleasure, or things you want to explore.
As always, as you move through your week, remember to treat yourself and your body with love, respect and kindness.
Much love,
Helen xo
loving your body is entirely optional
If you had asked me a few years ago whether or not loving your body was essential, I would have said yes. In my yoga classes, I really wanted (and still want) my students to know that there is love and peace to be found in your body and your life, regardless of your size. If you are in a fat body, then you have likely been told time and again that your body is not loveable and neither are you until you make a physical change. I reject this concept so deeply that I feel on some level I was screaming "LOVE YOUR BODY!" as a way of countering that messaging.
When I talk about self love and body love, what I really want is for you not to feel as though your relationship to your body is holding you back. That you are not confined by societal or personal expectations, and that you are moving forward on terms that are all your own. It is your life, after all. You deserve to live it.
Enter, body neutrality. The concept that your body just "is" without you needing to love or hate it. Recognizing that you have a body, you live in that body, you might appreciate what it can do, and you leave it there. You live your life. This can be an especially helpful concept if you're trying to let go of hating your body, but feeling guilty or frustrated because you don't love it right now. It's all a process and it's different for everyone. You do what feels right for you.
You don't have to love your body to find peace in it.
So if you find yourself feeling like you want to let go of the struggle with your body, but body love seems so far away or incredibly uninteresting, that is absolutely fine and you are not alone. If you really want to explore working towards loving your body, body neutrality is a great step in that direction.
In short, if you want to love your body, I'm here for you. And if you simply want to live in your body without hating it, I'm here for you too.
As you move through your week, remember to treat yourself and your body with love, respect and kindness.
Much love,
Helen xo