Is there such a thing as too much pleasure?

NO. NO THERE ISN’T

Hello there! I hope this week finds you watching The Great British Bake Off and crying...or is that just me? I'm sipping Earl Grey Tea this morning and thinking about pleasure.

Last week I talked about confrontation and what it might mean for us when it shows up. This resonated with many of you and I really appreciated your comments and emails. These things are not easy, but I think that they are made less scary when we realize that we are not alone.

This week, I'm swinging over to the other side of the spectrum and exploring the idea of pleasure in my own life and as my theme in class. I recently went to my first in person yoga class in two years. It was emotional to be back in a room with people (some of them former students) and it was also confronting. I know, I know! I promised you pleasure, and we are getting there :) As is often the case, I was the biggest bodied person in the room and since some people recognized me as a teacher, and honestly sometimes just because I'm big, I feel the need to do more, to push harder and to prove a point and drop kick possible assumptions across the room.

However! I didn't sign up for that. I signed up because I wanted the experience. Because I've missed seeing people. Because it gives me great pleasure (there it is!) to be moving and breathing collectively. So knowing all of that and the fact that I would possibly find my ego rising up, I made my intention one of pleasure. To remind myself that I signed up to move and breathe in a way that feels good to me. Not to prove anything to anyone, not even myself. And every time I felt myself wavering or getting judgemental, I came right back to pleasure.

In this society we often feel like pleasure has to be earned. That we have to achieve something before we can experience pleasure. But I really want to find more pleasure in the process. In the day to day. To invite pleasure into those moments where I know I might get caught up in other feelings. If your goal in yoga is to do a handstand, why not find pleasure along the way? In the wobbles and the tumbles and the days where you primarily lie down on the mat. If you're chasing a dream, find pleasure in the chase. This is living. Why delay pleasure when the possibilities for it are all around you?

And specifically to my friends out there struggling in their bodies, remember that pleasure is not reserved for those with "perfect" bodies. This is called marketing. How else would the diet and wellness industry make so much damn money? Pleasure is a feeling, not an aesthetic. It comes from within and resides in your body. You are allowed to feel it in this moment, in this body, in this breath. So take it!

As you move through this week, remember to treat yourself and your body with love, respect and kindness.

Much love,
Helen xo

Flight Risk?

YES, THAT WOULD BE ME

Hello there! I hope this week finds you being kind to yourself and exploring the possibility of a happy change in your life (oooh! now I'm so curious what you're thinking about!!!!). I'm sipping Scottish Breakfast Tea this morning and thinking about the power of confrontation (please send me a selfie of the uncomfortable face you're making right now).

In class this week, we have been exploring the idea that any worthwhile pursuit can come with discomfort or feelings of confrontation. And I'm just gonna put it out there right away: if I met you at a fork in the road and you said "to go this way, you'll need to pass through some type of emotionally confronting feeling to get to your destination or this other way where there are definitely fifty hungry alligators waiting"...I'd seriously consider the alligators.

My fight or flight response is strong and definitely leans into flight mode when I'm stressed, uncomfortable or feeling confronted. This is true in terms of confrontation with others, but today I'm pondering the sometimes huge internal confrontation I face when I'm about to step out of my comfort zone. This is nothing new for me. I remember panicking and bailing on sleepovers when I was a kid, I tried to cancel on my initial yoga teacher training because my foot hurt (lolll), I panicked and jumped right back into Weight Watchers when I started to see an expansive life beyond dieting, I think about quitting comedy altogether any time a show is looming. And as I mentioned in last week's newsletter, my Patreon (Fat + Happy) has been more than a year in the making because every time it started to come together I wanted to crawl into a hole. :)

All this is to say that it's normal to feel confronted by change, even if it's a change we desperately want. There's comfort in what we know and I am someone who loves my routine and my comfort zone.

So what do you do? If you're dreaming of change or have a specific goal or experience in mind, how do you manage when that confrontational feeling comes up? When all you want to do is hide under a bush or start lashing out? I have found that the best way out is through and so I am slowly learning to ask myself the following questions before I run screaming in the other direction (I'm listing them below incase you want to copy and paste into your own document or use them to journal):

- Why am I feeling this way?
- Why this fear?
- Where am I feeling this in my body?
- Is this change/goal/experience actually something I want or is it something I think I should want?
- How will this change improve my life?
- What's great about this and what excites me about it?
- Am I getting the sensation of excitement and panic, confused?
- How can I ground myself in this moment?
- How does it feel to know that I can step back at any time?

It's okay to pause and ask questions. It's even better to be incredibly kind to yourself while doing it. My instinct used to be to panic and then berate myself for it. But at the end of the day when we feel confronted and subsequently panic or get angry, it's just our body trying to give us a helping hand. It's trying to let us know we have strong feelings about this. And that's okay. So give yourself space to feel all the feelings before you throw the idea or goal or plan away. And when you're ready, take a few grounding breaths and ask yourself questions. Allow yourself the opportunity to get to the root of what's coming up and move forward from there.

This has been so helpful for me in understanding when something isn't actually right for me and when to let go, and then recognizing when there is something I really do want, but I'm scared.

Many worthwhile experiences in our lives are confronting and as much as I'd like to never feel afraid or stressed, I do find it all the sweeter when I manage to come through it and go for the thing I truly want anyway.

As you move through this week, be extra kind to yourself and remember to treat yourself and your body with love, respect and kindness.

Much love,
Helen xo

Monthly Content is Here!

FAT + HAPPY HAS ARRIVED :)

Hello there and happy July! I hope this week finds you asking yourself what you want to create, whether it's for an audience or just for you. Your form of expression matters! I'm sipping Buckingham Palace tea this morning (you knew this fave would make it back into the rotation) and thinking about how this post has been a long time in the making. :)

I have wanted to create online content for a while. I didn't exactly know what it was going to be, but I had some fun ideas. And just like with anything creative, I start from a place of excitement and expansion inside my body. I get that buzzing little feeling when I'm in the flow of things and the possibilities seem endless and I'm thinking this is gonna be great!

And then time passes and I start to hear those little voices that tell me this has been done before. I don't have anything new to add. I don't have the discipline. I'll run out of ideas after two months. No one is interested. And on and on.

Damn those voices are a pain in the ass! I had them before I started this weekly newsletter, before I took my teacher training, before I went to acting school, when I asked myself if there was happiness to be found in a big body. Basically before I've done pretty much anything that mattered to me or pulled me out of my comfort zone, I've heard these voices, these insecurities.

But I've never been one to let myself be entirely pulled down by the voices that I know are ultimately coming from a place of fear. There's always been this spark inside me that says "this could work!" and I'm so so glad for that. I wouldn't be here, in month 7(!) of my weekly newsletter, connecting with you otherwise.

And I wouldn't be saying that FINALLY I am launching a Patreon called Fat + Happy!

Patreon is a monthly membership site where you support the creators you love and receive exclusive content in return.

I'll be offering yoga, audio meditation, adventure videos, roundup posts with what I'm loving, snail mail and more!

I am so grateful to the fat positive online creators in my life who remind me every day that life is there to be lived and that's not exclusive to people who look a certain way. I never thought my life would look this way and I'm thrilled to be living in the moment and excited for the future, without feeling like I have to be someone else. I want to share that excitement with you as I continue to walk this path of self acceptance in the pursuit of pleasure and joy.

If you want to spend a little more time in this world of living in your body and your life, in a way that CELEBRATES you, then click here and sign up for some Fat + Happy goodness!

As always, as you move through this week, remember to treat yourself and your body with love, respect and kindness.

Much love,
Helen xo

That's Such Great Advice!

I SHOULD PROBABLY TAKE IT

Hello there! I hope this week finds you floating down a river on a comfy tube and hanging out with the people that make you happy. I'm sipping Breakfast Tracks Tea this morning and thinking about how I might need to take my own advice once in a while. :)

In class this week, we have been talking about the idea of ease. What it means to find ease in your body, your practice, your day, your life. Things can still get tough or sticky or full-on awful but to me, finding ease is all about not making things harder than they need to be. Or simply accepting that there's an ebb and flow to what we feel, and thinking about how we can lean into that rather than struggle against it.

If you follow me on Instagram, then you may have seen me posting over the past few days about returning to my yoga practice in a way that feels good to me. As a yoga teacher, I always want to practice what I preach and somewhere along the way I put intense pressure on myself to have a daily practice. It had to be at least an hour. It had to be rigorous and I had to feel like I was getting stronger and more flexible. I think especially in a big body, I have historically felt extra pressure to prove my worth in this space.

Ummmmm....record scratch!

That's definitely not practicing what I preach, and if anything it was making me practice less. My classes are all about finding what feels good to you. Doing things in a way that allows freedom, space and longevity. By setting a pace that I ultimately couldn't keep up with, I took the joy out of a practice that I truly love and put standards on myself that I wouldn't hold anyone else to.

At the end of the day there is a rhythm to everything. Some days we feel energetic and driven and focused and some days we feel quiet and steady and solitary. And then there are the days where we feel the spectrum of feelings. All of these are beautiful and valid. And they deserve to be honoured. If we only recognize the days when we feel energetic and driven and our bodies feel good and strong, then we are denying or worse, feeling shameful about those other days.

So I'm slowing down and asking myself each day what I need and what might feel good. It's not always comfortable to be honest about what I need, but it has definitely brought with it a sense of ease that I've been looking for and talking about in my classes. There's no right way to do something. Your needs may change over time or depending on what's going on around you. It's all about what you need day to day, moment to moment and that's okay. It's actually pretty magical when you explore the idea of working in harmony with yourself and your body.

And in the spirit of finding ease in your body and life (and because I teased you with it last week!), I'm very excited to announce that I am launching a Patreon! Fat + Happy is a space where I will share the things that help me feel good in my life and body and I hope they will help you too. I'm learning alongside you and I can't wait to share what I discover!

As always, as you move through your week, remember to treat yourself and your body with love, respect and kindness.

Much love,
Helen xo

To the beach!

UNLESS OF COURSE, YOU DON’T LIKE THE BEACH ;)

Hello there! I hope this week finds you celebrating the longer days and asking yourself what you want this Summer to feel like. I'm drinking blood orange black tea this morning and thinking about the importance of how things feel rather than how they look.

In my classes this week, we are talking about what it means to invite in abundance this Summer, specifically what it means for us individually and how it's okay for it to look different for each of us.

I've had a tricky relationship with Summer (historically my least favourite season) and as I've invited myself to explore why, I think it's that I thought it was supposed to look a certain way. That to enjoy Summer is to bask on the beach all day, frolic in the ocean and stay up late around a little fire on the beach. Oh, and there's definitely some dude playing a guitar somewhere on that beach.

Now, this might sound like a dream to you, but for someone crowd and heat averse who also likes to be in bed by 9:30 (yes, I am 83 years old at heart), this is not the Summer for me. And it doesn't need to be.

When I ask myself why I think that's the picture perfect Summer, I ultimately imagine it feels a certain way for the people experiencing it. Light and easy and relaxing. Whereas I am generally just trying to stay cool while counting down for sweater weather to return.

Here's the thing though, I don't want to wish my time away. I do actually want to enjoy all the seasons and spend my Summer feeling light and easy and relaxed. So instead of trying to force the idea of a light, easy and relaxed Summer I started asking myself how might I actually make that happen? What does that look like for me? Now, I do like to frolic in the water, so last Summer I started going to the outdoor pool in the mornings. It's not too hot and not too busy, except with other grandma-minded people like myself and my lovely friends who came with me. I also love getting out for morning or evening strolls and enjoying the longer days. In the heat of the day, ease for me is relaxing with a book and a cold drink (or a hot tea because...I'm me) and honestly just doing a little less. And that's okay.

It's not particularly flashy or insta worthy, but honestly last Summer was one of the nicest I've had in years. I wasn't wishing it away. I let go of what I thought it should be and asked myself what I needed it to be.

You can apply this to anything really, but if you have struggled with Summer like I have, then ask yourself how you want to feel this Summer. What evokes those feelings or that feeling for you? Can you invite more of it in?

You are allowed to do it the way you want to do it (even you, guitar dude!). So cultivate it and allow yourself to enjoy your unique expression of the season.

As you move through this week, remember to treat yourself and your body with love, respect and kindness.

Much love,
Helen xo

Fat + Happy?

HELL YES!

Hello there and happy Tuesday! I hope this week finds you stocking up on sunscreen and air conditioners before it gets too toasty out there. I'm sipping Earl Grey tea this morning and thinking about how I never knew I could be fat AND happy. What a time!

If you have grown up in this society (especially if you identify as a woman), then you know what it is to be objectified and judged at every turn. We can't get it right and they don't want us to get it right (we know that "they" is the patriarchy, right?).

Add to this being in a big body, then you have really let everyone (old white dudes) down. You are constantly reminded and receiving messages that your body is a failure and your life is doomed to be a sad and unhappy one. That your value is connected to what your body looks like.

I remember as a teen telling my Mom that I sometimes felt happier asleep because I would dream that I was in a smaller body. Gah, I wish I could squeeze teen Helen. Fast forward to my early twenties where I had lost a bunch of weight. Was I flattered and pleased by the general response? Yes, it felt amazing! Was I any more at home in my body? Absolutely not. Was I happy in my body? Nope. I was in a state of anxiety and control. A constant fear that people would see my weight fluctuate and judge me for being weak. I wasn't myself.

And while I fully believe that we are not defined by our bodies, we can definitely be in a state where we are living to control them in the name of making other people comfortable.

So the question is, can you be happy in your body as it is today, regardless of your size? Abso-freaking-lutely you can! You can decide that what you need and want is the most important thing. You can remind yourself that all bodies are good bodies. You can let go of diet culture bullshit. You can let go of what you "should" do and run headlong towards what you want to do. You can wear the thing, take the class, eat the food, plan the trip, have the sex, write the book, start the business, audition for the part, go on the date, read the smut (you Torn Bodice fans know I had to take it there!) and on and on and on.

Your life is not defined by your body. You do not have to love your body to have a happy life. You can simply ask yourself what living means to you.

You don't need anyone's approval but your own. And the more you do this, the more you let go of the things and the people who tell you otherwise. The more you move towards daily pleasure and a bone deep happiness that can only come from within.

I have never felt this grounded and in the flow of the things that make me happy in my life. And young Helen only thought that was possible in a young skinny body or in her literal dreams. So happy to prove myself wrong on that one. ;)

So pause here. Breathe deep and ask yourself what living a full and happy life means TO YOU. Not what others think it should mean, but what it actually means for you in your soul. Sit quietly and wait for the answers. You deserve to know. And you deserve to live it.

In the pursuit of my full and happy life, I'm cooking up something very exciting that I'll be sharing soon. As my work has shifted and expanded, what I want to offer going forward is expanding too. I can't wait to share it with you!

Sending you so much love for the week ahead and as always, remember to treat yourself and your body with love, respect and kindness.

Much love,
Helen xo

it's okay to be scared

FOLLOW YOUR HEART

Hello there! I hope this week finds you allowing yourself to try the things that call to you, even if you're scared. I'm sipping Breakfast Tracks Tea this morning and thinking about all the things I love about yoga.

I was recently incredibly lucky to chat with Melissa Hala on her podcast about my experiences in the yoga world. And why I'm so happy I get to teach what I teach and share this practice that has meant so much to my well being.

Yoga really is the thing that started this journey of body acceptance for me and I'm so glad I followed my instinct to pursue it, even when it felt like I wasn't the right fit for certain people and spaces.

It was a joy to listen to this interview and remind myself of why this practice continues to mean so much to me.

So keeping the writing short and sweet today, I'd love for you to listen to the conversation HERE!

Don't forget that Summer classes are coming up and spaces are filling up, so jump in now!

As you move through this week, remember to treat yourself and your body with love, respect and kindness.

Much love,
Helen xo

Be A Wildflower!

LET YOURSELF GROW

Hello there! I hope this week finds you moving away from the things that don't make you happy and towards those that do. I'm sipping blood orange black tea this morning and thinking about this quote...

"Like wildflowers; You must allow yourself to grow in all the places people thought you never would." - E.V. Rogina

Bing bang boom! That little quote was sitting at the bottom of my full moon calendar this entire month and I only just noticed it, but boy did it ever land.

I have spent a lot of my life asking for permission. Permission to perform, permission to get a raise, permission to wear certain things, do certain things, take trainings, go places and on and on. Don't get me wrong, I've done a lot and I plan to do more. But there's always been this part of me that can't help but ask "is this okay?" every time I want to do something or try something.

I find this incredibly frustrating because I know who I am and I'm learning more about myself every day. I know that I'm capable and that I'm also allowed to try and fail and try again. So why am I looking around for other people's permission when the only permission I need is my own?

In my classes last week we were talking about what it means to reclaim your space. To take it up physically, mentally and emotionally. To allow yourself to be unapologetically BIG in every sense of the word. It struck me that I'm teaching this as I'm learning it. There's so much I want to do and try, but I'm hesitating. Afraid to misstep or fail or waste money or be judged. I think this is why I want someone else to say "It's okay. Go for it, Helen. Do the thing!". And while I'm lucky enough to have people in my life who will do that for me, I'm realizing more and more that I need to be the one that does that for me. I need to say "It's okay. Go for it, Helen. Do the thing!"

I initially thought the quote in this email was about proving yourself to other people, which may be true. But for me, the ultimate thing is to prove to myself that I'm still the wild child I once was. Fearless as I trotted down the unknown trails looking for adventure. I know she's in there and I want her to show up more, without waiting for permission.

It means more coming from me. I want to give myself permission to live the life I want. To surprise myself. To grow in those places I never thought I would.

Maybe you do too. What would it feel like to say "It's okay. Go for it. Do the thing!"?

As you move into June, remember to treat yourself and your body with love, respect and kindness.

Much love,
Helen xo

it's not you

IT’S ME. LOL, NO…IT’S FATPHOBIA

Hello there! I hope this week finds you looking ahead to Summer and exploring it in a way that feels good to you. I'm sipping strong black tea this morning and thinking about fat phobia and how knowledge is power.

Recently a student of mine sent me a link to a video where a fat yoga teacher described going for a drop in class at a yoga studio that was new to her. They initially discouraged her from taking a flow class and invited her to come back later for a beginner class. She explained that she was comfortable and wanted this class specifically. They then went on to point out that she's not the usual body type they see in these classes (yoga teacher or otherwise) and to check with the teacher before signing in. She basically had to fight to be allowed to pay for a public drop in. They were deeply uncomfortable with her presence and they let her know it.

So, there's a lot to unpack here. Not the least of which is that this is common and a big part of why big bodied people tend to steer clear of health and fitness spaces. This is also why we teachers have a responsibility to learn how to teach classes that are inclusive and welcoming. 

I mean, if we are all over fat people to get to the gym and the yoga studio then why are we chasing them right back out?! And the worst part is that the person in the big body often walks away from the situation covered in shame, when it is truly not about them. It's about the fear that if we see fat bodies out and about and living and doing the things that we are constantly telling them they can't do, then we have to question our own biases. We have to say to ourselves "am I fat phobic?". Totally uncomfortable but very necessary if you want to be an ally in this work.

When we live in a society that tells us that to be fat is some kind of moral failing, it would be weird if we didn't have a certain amount of fat phobia ingrained in there somewhere. Yes, even if you are fat. I know that I did and sometimes still do and I'm always surprised when it pops up and taps me on the shoulder. What I try not to do in a teaching situation is flap around and scare that person away, when I really need to take a moment and recognize that the thought is not mine, and then proceed with kindness. Understanding these thought patterns and how to change them is power. Not only for you, but it offers power to the person standing in front of you, who might have been waiting and expecting to be turned away or shamed. You are offering them the power of understanding that there are spaces in which they will be welcomed and included and their body is not a barrier to joy in movement. 

If you struggle with fat phobia and really don't know where to start, then I would say to follow more fat yogis, athletes, dancers, fashion bloggers and creators on social media. This is such a joyful way to confront your own biases and the more you see beautiful fat bodies in motion, the more normal it becomes and you begin to release those negative feelings or stereotypes. This is especially impactful if you are a fat person and you desperately want to come to terms with your own body and allow yourself to live fully in it.

And if you find yourself in a situation where someone doesn't want to take your money because they don't know how to respect all people, take your hard earned cash elsewhere. Know your worth and demand to be treated accordingly. 

All bodies are good bodies. Yes, yours. And mine.

There's no shame in wanting to exist fully and freely. I'm sorry if anyone has ever made you feel that way. It's not you. It’s fat phobia. And we can nip that shit in the bud, friends! When you see it, call it out. Especially if you are not fat. Call it out. Be an ally. 

My Summer classes go on sale tomorrow and I would be thrilled to see you there! We are going to explore the ways in which we can love up on ourselves this Summer (often one of the more challenging seasons when you live in a big body). I'm here for you and I want to inspire you to have the most pleasurable Summer ever!  

As you move through your week, be your own best ally and remember to treat yourself and your body with love, respect and kindness.

Much love,
Helen xo

Are We There Yet?

FIVE MORE MINUTES :)

Hello there! I hope this week finds you making space for yourself and the things that bring a sense of balance to your life. I'm sipping strong black tea this morning (all the way from London!) and thinking about time and patience...and I'm already irritated. :)

Last week I was getting ready to go out and I was suddenly hit with some really old thought patterns. I hated all my clothes. I hated my body in the clothes. I started to imagine myself being compared to all my beautiful friends and being found lacking. I imagined running into people who last saw me years ago when I was much smaller and what they might think of me now. Nothing like picking a fight with friends from your past who probably have more to worry about than what you look like fifteen years later. :)

These feelings are echoes of a different time in my life and it was really surprising to feel them surge with such force. My therapist pointed out that these things take more time than we think and we simply need to allow space for all the feelings as they come up. We also need to respect that it's normal for things to come in waves even years later. Yes, even when we are doing the work to move through it the patterns can show up and the emotions can still feel fresh. So wise. So annoying.

In a world that can't wait to sell us a quick fix, we are not wired for patience or even for grace within ourselves when we need more time. Time to process and move through something, time to work on a project or to achieve a goal, time to learn something or get to know someone. Time to ask ourselves what we want and to really listen for the answers. Time to just be.

It's uncomfortable to acknowledge that some things take as long as they need to. It's even more uncomfortable to be present for that reality. That's why there are so many ways in which we distract, delude or disassociate ourselves when things aren't moving along in the way we might like them to. We are much more complicated physically and emotionally than these overnight promises can ever truly address.

What might it be like to simply trust that you are doing the work you need to do, and to allow time to do the rest? To know that the waves will still come, but with less frequency and intensity. It takes as long as it takes. Be patient and kind with yourself. Let go of the quick fix and slow it all down. You are worth the time and energy of all your emotions, dreams, goals and experiences.

And as you move through your week, remember to treat yourself and your body with love, respect and kindness.

Much love,
Helen xo

I hope you like cheese!

BECAUSE I WANT YOU TO BE YOUR OWN BEST FRIEND ;)

Hello there! I hope this week finds you dusting off your Spring/Summer wardrobe. And if you find that your body has changed since last year, I hope you are allowing yourself the space and kindness to find some new things that make you feel lovely! I'm sipping Assam Tea this morning and thinking about the way we treat ourselves.

"Feed yourself like you would feed a friend". I heard this on the new season of Rebel Eaters Club last week and I can't stop thinking about it.

It's easy to be kind to the people we love, but if you are struggling in your relationship with yourself and/or your body, treating yourself with that same kindness can feel much more complicated. So much of the messaging that we receive day in and day out centres around the pursuit of perfection, agelessness, thinness and whiteness. It's exhausting being surrounded by the idea that you are not enough and you can't be enough unless you push and push and buy this or that. There is this sense of endless reaching, with no time to simply be. To sit with who you are and to know your value.

For so much of my life, I felt like my value was based on my appearance. I still have moments where I feel invisible and it sucks. However, those moments are fleeting and very human. Nothing like years ago when I was obsessed with how to be enough. I don't think I knew who I was, but I knew who people wanted me to be. And because it was so hard and required so much restriction for me to get remotely close to that, I lost sight of how to be kind to myself.

If you have been there or are there now, I know it can feel like there is no way to turn it around. But a fantastic place to start is to look to how you treat the people you love. How do you speak to them, hold space for them, feed them, love them? In those moments where you catch yourself being hard or cruel to yourself, take a step back and ask yourself how you would treat your best friend in the same situation. It can be jarring to realize how hard we are on ourselves sometimes. I have also found that the more you explore this, the easier it comes and eventually you won't need to step back any more. It'll be natural. This has been a practice over many years for me, so have patience. There's no rush. You're already on your way if you're reading this.

Here's what I want you to know. You are valuable and you deserve to live a full and happy life, exactly as you are. How much time might you free up if you let go of judging yourself by other people's ridiculous standards? What kind of amazing things could you do with that extra time? What would it feel like to sit with yourself every day and ask yourself who you are and what is wonderful about you? It might feel a bit cringey at first, but make that list like you were making it about a friend you love...and eventually it will be. I KNOOOOOW! So cheesy, but very helpful nonetheless.

Feed yourself like you would feed a friend. I promise it will make a difference!

As you move through this week, remember to treat yourself and your body with love, respect and kindness.

Much love,
Helen xo

Stepping off the beaten path

AND INTO YOUR POWER

Hello there! I hope this email finds you skipping through a field of tulips..unless you have allergies. I'm sipping Golden Milk this morning (it's not even tea!) and feeling very excited to answer a question sent in by one of my lovely readers!

The question is "How did you come to work for yourself and begin to create a life living on your own terms?"

First of all, this question makes me feel so much cooler than I am and it also feels like perfect timing! In class this week we've been talking about what it is we either want to claim or reclaim for ourselves. There's been a lot of discussion about claiming our own power, boundaries, careers and taking up space. And working for myself has become a part of that for me though I was very reluctant to do it, if I'm honest.

I never wanted to run my own business. For a long time, I wanted to be an actor, where people tell you whether or not you are allowed to be part of a project. And then as I moved into the world of yoga, I really wanted to teach at studios I loved and possibly do some admin and eventually become a part of the teacher training programs.

I'm a great worker bee and I'm happy to work hard and be a team player (this sounds like a classic job interview answer, lol). I also have a keen desire to get ahead and succeed. And in my experience, these two things don't necessarily go together. As hard of a worker as I am and as much as I have towed the line in my life, I was still consistently being told no. No to acting jobs or even to getting an agent. No to a raise at my day jobs. No to moving to another part of a company. No to teaching additional yoga classes, even when my current classes were at capacity. Though I did once get the great offer to teach more classes if I would take a lower rate for each one (that was a fun head scratcher). I felt like I was spinning in circles and never getting ahead.

It was all very frustrating, to say the least. And it really made me question my value. I mean, I've seen a ton of eighties movies where you work hard and climb to the top while Eye of the Tiger plays in the background, and I wanted my movie montage, dammit! But every time I reached, I felt like I was getting slapped down.

I hit a point where as cheesy as it might sound, I said "well, if everyone else is saying no to me, then I'll say yes to myself!". I already had a lovely student following (you know who you are and thank you, thank you, thank you!) and I had years of doing admin for other people, so I just took those skills and did it for myself. I started by renting space to teach and initially working part time on the side until eventually (it took a good few years) things built up and I could work just for me.

It's hard work and I still ponder a second job sometimes (turns out all those work from home ads where you're on your laptop for one minute a day and on your yacht for the rest of it are bullshit), but it does feel truly lovely to know that I'm doing something I really love and I've built it myself. I'm not politely asking someone to let me move ahead. I decide. I am living on my own terms and while it's not always easy, I am really proud of it.

I'm also incredibly proud of and inspired by the many many amazing women and femmes in my life who are doing the same. Working at jobs that have meaning for them, saying no to things that don't work for them, raising families in the way they want to, running their own businesses, creating work that will soon allow them to give up their day jobs and on and on. It's all incredibly cool and helps to carry me forward when I'm feeling low on eighties music montage energy.

So yeah! That's my answer. It's not flashy (sorry to break it to you about the yacht situation) but it feels incredibly satisfying to me and I think we all deserve to feel a sense of deep satisfaction every day. What that will look like for you is unique but I'd love to hear about it if you want to share.

As always, as you move through your week, remember to treat yourself and your body with love, respect and kindness.

Much love,
Helen xo

Celebrate your life

EVERY DAY OF THE WEEK!

Hello there! I hope this week finds you buying yourself flowers (or whatever equivalent brightens your day). I'm sipping Assam this morning and thinking about how many things I can celebrate in a day/week/year!

Last week was my birthday and I kid you not when I say that I got choked up on a walk while thinking about how lucky I am for all the lovely people in my life.

Unless you've been happily hiding under some sort of magical rock, you know that life is not easy. If the past few years have taught us anything, it's that you can't take anything for granted. Life can change in an instant and that's why it's important to enjoy the present moment in any way possible. Am I asking you to smile all day or put on fake happiness when you're not feeling it? Absolutely not. Though if you want to smile all day, be my guest and enjoy how people in your vicinity will become increasingly concerned.

Look, I know there are people out there who roll eyes at celebrating birthdays as an adult but honestly celebrating yourself, and others, is simply another more cake-fuelled way of having a gratitude list. I also don't think we need to wait for a birthday or anniversary to celebrate. Yes, the big things are important and fun to celebrate. But so are the small things. The everyday things that you might be taking for granted.

So, what might it look like to celebrate more? Honestly, my weird emotional sidewalk moment was a small celebration of the people in my life. One of my good friends always feels like her day is brighter when she stops for a "fancy coffee" on her way to work. Celebration. I like to walk out to an area by the water that my Mom really liked when she visited me here years ago. Celebration. Dance party with friends in person or over zoom. Celebration. A tattoo that you've been wanting for a long time. Celebration. Laughing with your kids and really taking in the moment. Celebration. Every time I make a delicious cup of tea that makes me do a shoulder shimmy. Celebration! Celebration! Celebration!

If you think about a small thing worth celebrating today, pause and be in that feeling. How can you celebrate that you are here in this moment? You matter. Your life matters and you deserve to celebrate in any way and as often as possible.

Life is short, friends. Don't convince yourself that you don't have time to acknowledge the good things.

Now please, go forth and do the thing that makes you happy. And I really hope you'll consider daily celebrations for at least this week and hopefully beyond.

As you move through this week and discover the ways to celebrate yourself and your life, remember to treat yourself and your body with love, respect and kindness.

Much love,
Helen xo

Want Something? Ask For It!

Hello there! I hope this finds you underneath a pile of half-eaten chocolate bunnies. I'm sipping Chai this morning and thinking about asking for what I want.

I just got home from a training session, the first with a brand new trainer. I became interested in strength training last year and, after wandering around aimlessly at the gym while dodging senior citizens lunging across the room, I decided to meet with someone who knows what they are doing. So that I too, might lunge with seniors.

This is the second trainer I've worked with recently and I've been really explicit that I'm not interested in weight loss. I simply want to build strength. The last trainer was very nice, but couldn't seem to get away from "the fat burning zone" and cardio. This is not uncommon when you are fat. People think you need to basically just start running and stop when you're thin. It's frustrating and it goes a long way in explaining why many people don't feel comfortable in a gym or fitness setting. They feel afraid to ask for what they want because the assumption is that if you knew what was best for you, you wouldn't be fat. The same goes for doctors offices, wellness environments and essentially living your life and navigating the general world. I call bullshit and I'm tired of towing the apologetic line.

Historically I wouldn't have specified my needs and just said "whatever you think is best". But when you begin walking the path of your own physical and mental wellbeing, an important part of that is figuring out what you want and then asking for it. Especially if that goes against the mainstream.

This is still not easy for me. My instinct is to go along to get along and I generally struggle to put myself first. However, one of the things I have learned as I embrace myself and my body is that there will often be pushback. So you have to be firm and clear about what you want and need, regardless of what the response might be.

This can range from small everyday things like deciding where you want to go for dinner (my stock answer used to be "whatever you want"), to big things like making sure you have health care providers who listen to you and support your unique wellbeing.

If this already comes naturally to you, that's amazing and I hope you keep it up! If like me you struggle in this area, take it one step at a time. Give yourself the space and time to ask yourself what you want and then you can convey it clearly. It might feel overwhelming or wrong at first, it might feel like you are making a bit deal out of nothing. But you are a big deal. And so are your wants and needs.

And if you find yourself with people who don't listen, especially if you're paying them, find someone else to take your money. This is why I'm now with trainer number two. It's not always easy or comfortable, but you matter. What you want and need matters and you are allowed to ask for it.

As you move through your week, remember to treat yourself and your body with love, respect and kindness.

Much love,
Helen xo

Finding Pleasure in Creativity

I hope this week finds you enjoying the Spring weather (I was out walking in a thunderstorm yesterday!) and finding more and more ways to invite pleasure into your life. I'm sipping Hibiscus Love tea this morning and thinking about finding pleasure in creativity.

Of all the ways I am exploring pleasure, I realize as I type this that finding pleasure in creativity is both the easiest and hardest for me. I have always been a creative person. I love movement and performance, writing and planning yoga classes. I love to watch other people be creative and to collaborate and get all of that creative energy flowing.

The challenge for me has been in overthinking. I struggle with simply allowing myself to explore and make mistakes along the way. I think that because for a long time, I lived in such a regimented way, it bled over into being creative or not being creative. I had to do it perfectly the first time. I had to succeed and make a career out of it. I had to be the best or there was no point. I also had a deadline in my mind. I really wanted to have a creative career and I felt like if I didn't hit that goal by 30, it was over.

It definitely wasn't, but I acted like it was and let a lot of the things I loved drop out of my life. I felt embarrassed to keep going when it clearly wasn't panning out. Ah, thirty year old Helen. You should have given yourself a break. But I didn't. I was punishing myself for not achieving what I had set out to do in the time I had set out to do it. It sucked the joy out of it, the pleasure.

Sound familiar? This might be resonating with you personally or you might have read the past two newsletters where the same sort of pressure around food and movement sucked the pleasure out of those things for me.

So how do we get it back? The spark, the joy, the pleasure, the sense of freedom and play? I think the simple and annoying answer is that you just allow yourself to do the thing without expectation. Simple, but not easy. And I'm still working on this.

I had stopped myself from performing, writing and playing and hoped that this would eliminate the desire for it. But if anything, it made it worse and I didn't feel quite like myself any more. So just like with movement and food, I started cautiously clawing it all back. I would sign up for beginners classes (not a beginner!) and work as admin for arts organizations so that I was orbiting my passions without taking the risk and inviting the joy of doing them. But it was still a start and the closer I got to those things, the more I yearned to be a part of them.

I've been doing comedy on and off for years, but over the past two years I have dedicated myself to more consistency, weekly rehearsals and playful performances without expectation for perfection. Just fun for us and the audience. I also started a podcast with my friend where we talk about the smutty books we love. I love recording and editing and again, there's no expectation beyond the doing of the thing and it feels so good.

A big one for me that I still struggle with is getting back to writing and performing what I write. I have been touching on it in the past few years, but I always run away when it starts to feel real and consistent, so it comes back to releasing expectations, which I find so very hard!!! Some part of me feels in a rush, like I have to make up for the time that I was in limbo and not allowing myself to do the things I wanted to do. But the more I focus on that, the more expectation I place on it and we go in circles again.

So I'm working on letting go and just exploring. It's not flashy, and that is just fine by me. The more I find myself leaning into these things, the more deeply satisfied I feel. Being creative is an important part of wellness for most people and it can look like so many things. Perhaps you like to play music, cook, plant flowers, play board games, draw, sew, dance or post about your travels on instagram. It's all valid and it's entirely yours. Allow yourself the space to explore without expectation and simply enjoy the moment. It's so simple and it can make such a huge difference in the quality of your life.

As you move through your week, I hope you remember to treat yourself, your passions and your dreams with love, respect and kindness.

Much love,
Helen xo

Finding Pleasure in Food

Hello there and happy April! I hope this week finds you thinking about inviting more pleasure into your life. I'm sipping Buckingham Palace tea this morning (it's my current favourite!) and thinking about finding pleasure in food.

Food, glorious freaking food! What a joy you are. Whether it's going to a new restaurant, baking at length for a sense of comfort and calm over the past two years, learning new recipes, or running out for an ice cream cone (which I did yesterday), I love food.

This wasn't always the case.

Well, I always loved it but that is considered a problem when you are fat. Food becomes the enemy and you are considered weak and unhealthy if you can't control yourself around it. But let's be honest, if controlling yourself around food means eating way less than your body actually needs in a day (which is generally what dieting is based on), then health has gone out the window. We're purely focused on aesthetic at that point and don't let anyone trick you into believing otherwise.

I only became "out of control" around food when people told me to stop eating it. Before that, I was an active, happy kid who loved her food and didn't think too much about it.

At one point in my life, I pretty much ate nothing but steamed (steamed!!!!) chicken and vegetables. I was smaller than I've ever been as an adult but I still had some curve on me so, when I would go for my weekly weigh-ins it became clear that to lose any more, I would have to switch tactics. Hello liquid diet! I was miserable, but also weirdly elated that I seemed to have finally been able to wrestle my food cravings to the ground. Now all I had to do was hold on for dear life and hope they didn't come back.

They did. My body was taking control back and she wanted me to eat. Thank goodness for that. :)

If you can relate to anything I've said so far, then you know that this is far more complex than I could ever write in one post. This consumed decades of my life and it went back and forth on repeat until I broke the cycle. I decided to break up with diets and diet culture. This is hard for many reasons but one of the interesting ones for me is that: in some ways it was less exciting than the promise of a new weird diet that made an insane promise of how happy I would be! Stopping the cycle was more like a whisper. There was no plan to follow, no before picture to snap, no clearing out the cupboards and promising myself I would only eat kale for the foreseeable future. It wasn't manic. It was like quietly ending a relationship that had gone on too long and like any classic breakup, I went back a few times because it was familiar. Until one day, going back was no longer comfortable. I had drifted too far out and it was time to keep moving forward. Not flashy but definitely substantial and over time has been more life changing than any diet I have ever been on.

For me, reclaiming my passion for food was slow and cautious. I, like so many people, was afraid that if I was no longer on an extremely strict diet then I would go absolutely insane and eat everything in sight. I often think of this scene in the movie Chocolat as what I thought would happen. And while it was never quite like that, there was a time where I was a little bonkers for food. This is what happens when you unleash yourself. You go a little wild with the freedom of it and when you finally realize it's for good, you settle down. So be kind to yourself in the process.

Once the strangeness of it all had passed, I settled into a new relationship with food. One where I eat what I like and let go of what I don't. It's an ongoing journey where I'm learning to listen to my body and go with what it's asking for rather than fighting it every step of the way. I've learned how to cook! I used to be terrified of cooking, especially since most of the diets I went on were so much easier to follow if you had pre packaged foods where you could see the nutritional info on the package. Now I'm playing with my food, trying recipes, and freeing up so much space in my head for other things. I'm reconnecting to foods I loved in the past, and exploring new ones too. Food is emotional. It connects us to our past, our senses, our heritage, it offers comfort when we need it and pleasure when we want it. It's wonderful to share with the people we love and something that not everyone has easy access to, so it's also something not to take for granted. I'm so happy to have found ease with it after all these years.

Will this way of eating make me thin? Probably not. Is that the secret goal? Absolutely not. My mental health is so much better since I let that shit go.

I'm allowed to enjoy my food and you are too. It doesn't make you weak or bad. It makes you human. You need to eat to live and you're allowed to enjoy it as well. Don't be afraid to swim out to more interesting and uncharted waters.

Next week, I'll be talking about finding pleasure in creativity!

As you move through all of your feelings around food and pleasure and what that means to you, remember to treat yourself and your body with love, respect and kindness.

Much love,
Helen xo

Finding Pleasure in Movement

Hello there! I hope this week finds you looking ahead to April and browsing the chocolate egg aisle at the drug store. :) I'm sipping Buckingham Palace tea this morning and thinking about finding pleasure in movement.

I love moving my body! I have always loved it. When I was kid, you couldn't keep me inside. I was either out on my bike, my roller skates, playing soccer or hanging out of a tree. I loved swimming and dancing and being outside, and I always had the best time being with my friends and moving my body. Movement represented freedom to me.

I was incredibly active and I wasn't thin. This is normal. And who cares anyway? Apparently, a lot of people. Sigh.

As I got older, my weight became a source of pain and frustration. I remember getting kicked out of a dance troupe because I didn't look like everybody else (I'm a freaking great dancer, btw!). Then I wasn't getting picked for sports teams, and activity became a place where people would whisper and laugh at me (someone save me from swimming day at school!).

As I look back at my teen self, I realize that outside of the occasional bike ride, my activity took place in the basement to workout DVD's. I skipped gym class wherever possible because I didn't want to be seen and teased. I hated the workout DVD's but I had become so consumed with being thin that the physical activities I actually enjoyed had fallen by the wayside. Those were things I felt that I had to earn my way back to, rather than simply doing them because they gave me pleasure.

Fat people experiencing pleasure is threatening. It doesn't fit the narrative we've been saddled with and it forces us to question if our bodies are actually the problem. Spoiler! They aren't.

As I started to question the stories I'd been told about how my life could only look a certain way in this body, I also started to find my way back to me. I'm embracing who I am and what gives me pleasure. As far as movement goes, it's been a slow and gratifying progression. I started with yoga and then added in more dancing, both with friends and alone around the house. Then I progressed to getting outside for nature walks at my pace without any calorie burning goals. Before the pandemic, I started going to spin classes with my brother (so fun!) and I'm trying to fall in love with riding my bike again. And last year in a very big step for me, I challenged myself to go to the outdoor pool once a week in the Summer and it was magnificent! Hell yes I was nervous, but I love being in the water and I will no longer deny myself that pleasure! It was such a treat and I feel like my legs saw the sun for the first time in a long time.

This year, I'm working on my hiking game. I'm honestly still at the walking stage, but I have a goal to get out there on some beautiful hikes this Summer and to not be shy as I huff and puff my way up those inclines.

Less shame. More pleasure!

Next week, I'm going to continue this series and talk about food as pleasure!

As you move through your week and contemplate all the pleasures that are out there for the taking, remember to treat yourself and your body with love, respect and kindness.

Much love,
Helen xo

Let's Talk About Pleasure

Hello there and happy almost Spring! I hope this finds you planning a little getaway, whether it's a day trip, a hike or a weekend away. It's so nice to have something to look forward to, regardless of how big or small. I'm drinking Breakfast Tracks tea this morning and thinking about the many roads to pleasure.

I denied myself pleasure for a very long time. I wasn't by any means a miserable person, but I think I was just very cautious and hyper aware of people looking at me or judging me. I hid myself and prevented myself from participating in a lot of things because it wasn't worth the potential teasing. I was so deeply fearful of other people's opinions that even after I lost a bunch of weight in my twenties, I still found myself being incredibly restrained and looking to others for approval. I was so afraid to put a foot wrong or gain a pound back that I still wasn't living my life. So...the question becomes when? If I wasn't living it fat and I wasn't living it not fat, then what the hell was I doing?

Short answer? Living for other people's approval. Damn!

I think as womxn we are often taught that we are here to please others. To serve and to support and to look a certain way while doing it. We're not taught to ask for what we want, what pleases us and what makes us feel powerful. I would go as far as to say that we are taught to be afraid of our own pleasure.

But if you pause for a moment and think about the word pleasure, what does it bring up for you? When you think of the things that bring you pleasure, where do you feel that in your body? What are the sensations?

For me, it's expansive and warm and I feel softer and I notice I've been smiling as I typed out the above question. I'm also a Taurus and if you know anything about astrology, you know the bull loves pleasure and decadence...and so do I. :)

Over the next few weeks and many cups of tea (a daily pleasure), I'm going to share some of the ways that I am reclaiming pleasure and I hope something jumps out for you or kick starts your desire to move towards your own pleasure. There are many ways to get there and yours will be unique to you.

Next week, I'll be talking about reclaiming pleasure in movement. A big one for me. And if you're feeling ready to talk on a deeper level about pleasure, check out Homebody. We are kicking off our monthly series in April and it'll be four months of deep diving into pleasure. Whoop!

Until then, you might take some time to make a list of the things that bring you pleasure, or things you want to explore.

As always, as you move through your week, remember to treat yourself and your body with love, respect and kindness.

Much love,
Helen xo

loving your body is entirely optional

If you had asked me a few years ago whether or not loving your body was essential, I would have said yes. In my yoga classes, I really wanted (and still want) my students to know that there is love and peace to be found in your body and your life, regardless of your size. If you are in a fat body, then you have likely been told time and again that your body is not loveable and neither are you until you make a physical change. I reject this concept so deeply that I feel on some level I was screaming "LOVE YOUR BODY!" as a way of countering that messaging.

When I talk about self love and body love, what I really want is for you not to feel as though your relationship to your body is holding you back. That you are not confined by societal or personal expectations, and that you are moving forward on terms that are all your own. It is your life, after all. You deserve to live it.

Enter, body neutrality. The concept that your body just "is" without you needing to love or hate it. Recognizing that you have a body, you live in that body, you might appreciate what it can do, and you leave it there. You live your life. This can be an especially helpful concept if you're trying to let go of hating your body, but feeling guilty or frustrated because you don't love it right now. It's all a process and it's different for everyone. You do what feels right for you.

You don't have to love your body to find peace in it.

So if you find yourself feeling like you want to let go of the struggle with your body, but body love seems so far away or incredibly uninteresting, that is absolutely fine and you are not alone. If you really want to explore working towards loving your body, body neutrality is a great step in that direction.

In short, if you want to love your body, I'm here for you. And if you simply want to live in your body without hating it, I'm here for you too.

As you move through your week, remember to treat yourself and your body with love, respect and kindness.

Much love,
Helen xo