IT WAS TIME TO LET GO
Hello there and happy Tuesday! I hope this week finds you taking the time to float. I'm drinking a matcha latte this morning and thinking about what it means to simply allow myself to exist without expectation.
My Fat+Happy yoga classes are kicking off this week (last chance to join Thursday Yin!), and last night I had a wonderful conversation with my students about our relationship to movement. There was so much vulnerability and openness, and in short we discovered that this shit is complicated! In a world that puts a premium on thinness, the desire to move in certain ways usually has more to do with what we've been conditioned to want, as opposed to what we actually want.
I used to move solely for the purpose of shrinking my body. No matter how strong or flexible I got, no matter the mental and physical benefits, if the number on the scale wasn't moving, it all meant nothing to me. And after years upon years of that, it was extremely challenging to walk away from it, even though I was so ready to leave it all behind. It was lonely, if I'm honest. Turns out that hating our bodies is a great bonding exercise for women, and it was a favourite pastime of mine, so leaving it felt incredibly strange. It also felt like giving up.
If my life was an ocean, then I had just jumped off of the lifeboat that I had been clinging to for decades. And desperate to find something else to hold onto, I found myself swimming like crazy, looking for the next right choice, the next community, the next lifeboat. But all I could see was a vast expanse of nothing. In my most uncomfortable moments, I tried to go back to the old lifeboat, but it no longer fit. I knew too much. So with nothing left to do, I reluctantly let myself float. And you know what? After years of swimming, kicking, hanging on, trying and failing, hating myself and trying again, the gift of letting it all go and simply drifting out to sea was the most terrifying and absolute best thing I could have done. Before I could find a new direction, I needed the space to fully release the old one.
I'm not someone that does terribly well with the unknown, but I have come to appreciate the spaces in between and the moments of silence that come with it.
Finding joy and pleasure in movement where there hasn't been any for a long time, means letting go of your lifeboat and floating for a while. If you've only known what it is to push, try complete rest or slow gentle movement. If the number on the scale means everything, throw the scale out. You are so much more than a meaningless number. If you don't enjoy the activities you're doing, leave them behind. If your inner dialogue is holding onto what you used to be able to do, turn your attention to who you are and what you need now. What you could do five years ago really doesn't matter today. You have lived many experiences since then, so honour who you are now.
Be good to the person you are today. Give yourself space to float, to release, and then when you are ready, meet yourself again and ask yourself what feels right for you. Trust your gut and see where it takes you. I wish you all the joy and freedom that I have found by simply giving myself permission to let go of the things that were not allowing me to be and celebrate myself.
As always, I'd love to hear about it! What is or was your lifeboat and when did you know it was time to leave? Do you love floating or is the vastness challenging for you? What would it feel like to explore what you actually want versus what you've been conditioned to want? Let me know in the comments below.
As you move through this week, remember to treat yourself and your body with love, respect and kindness.
Much love,
Helen xo
