LET IT GO
Hello there and happy June! I hope this week finds you asking yourself how you've changed in the past week, month, year, decade and beyond. I'm drinking Irish Breakfast Tea this morning and thinking about how hard it can be to let go.
My friends, I am not classy when it comes to letting go. I hang on to what I know with an iron grip, even when it's no longer serving me. I crave comfort and the knowledge of what's around the corner. I also love the idea that every day is full of new possibilities. An opportunity to experience something new, to chart a course that will invite more happiness, or to finally open doors that I had previously convinced myself were closed.
And in order to maintain some level of comfort while I explore the unknown, I tend to move at a slow and steady pace. I dip my toe in the water, rather than cannonball off the diving board. I mean, eventually I'm swimming with everyone else, there's just a little more hesitation and goosebumps before I finally get all the way in. And that's okay.
In the recent Fat+Happy Community Chat (next one is on June 19!), we talked about why we might feel shame around our bodies and how society fully endorses this shame. Diet culture promises us that on the other side of our shame is the promise of how amazing we will feel when we look different. How we'll be treated differently, not only by others, but by ourselves as well. Because we'll finally deserve all the good things.
It's a message I fully bought into for decades. So much so that when I was finally faced with another way, it was really hard to let go. Who would I be without the constant negative self talk, the revolving door of diet and exercise plans, and the goal outfit (blue jeans and a white t-shirt...tucked in, thank you very much!)? Who would I be to other people if I wasn't following the crowd and making jokes about my body in group settings? Who would I be if I wasn't constantly trying to be someone else?
It was incredibly hard for me to let go of diet culture, body shame, and the dream of being thin, in the same way it was hard for me to let go of my dream of being a famous actor. I was so wrapped up in who I would become and how beloved she would be, that I wasn't spending any time with myself in the moment. I couldn't fathom stepping into my life and my body as it was, and finding happiness and fulfillment there.
So, who would I be? Or more specifically, who am I more than a decade later, after prying my fingers away from my deepest dreams and fears one by one?
Well, I'm joyfully and very unexpectedly not only happy in my fat body, I'm a teacher who has the absolute humbling pleasure of spreading that joy, or at least planting the seeds of it, with all of you. I am also someone who no longer counts calories, cries in dressing rooms, or says no to social occasions because of my body size. I am back on stage (another unexpected surprise) pursuing my love of performance and play, and I'm doing it in this happily fat, 45 year old body. While wearing blue jeans and a tucked in white tee. ;)
And as I stand on top of what feels like a mountain after years of hard work, tears and self reflection, I can't help but feel like I have many more mountains to climb. That I am only beginning to see the real me and getting to know who I am and what I'm made of. And I like what I see.
I haven't done it perfectly or gracefully, and the road continues to be emotional and winding. But I can tell you what a gift letting go can be. I let go of believing that being thin was the answer to everything, and I let go of expecting everything to look like what I thought it would when I was fifteen years old. I let go of people who were telling me I was not and would never be enough, especially in regards to my looks and my body. And I let go of the voice inside that agreed with them.
Letting go creates space, often in the most wonderful and unexpected ways. And while I'm definitely still shuffling where others are sprinting, I like to think that we're all in it together, moving at the pace that feels right for each of us.
And my wish for you as you read this, is that you begin to release the stories and beliefs that don't allow you any room for growth as you are now. If you're waiting for a magical version of you so that you can finally begin your own adventure, please immediately run to a mirror! You are already here! You are magical and wonderful, and you deserve to walk, sprint, shuffle or crawl your way towards the things that make your heart sing. But first, you must let go of what's holding you back. Exhale and let it go. Repeat, repeat, repeat.
Our theme on the Patreon this month is Letting Go, so head on over there and become a member (even a free one) to watch a video where I share more thoughts on this topic!
As always, I'd love to hear about it! What long held beliefs about yourself or your body are you ready to let go of? What stories are you holding onto because it would feel strange without them? What is your first step in letting go and what will open up when you do? Let me know in the comments below.
As you move through this week, remember to treat yourself and your body with love, respect and kindness.
Much love,
Helen xo